Over the summer, some stupid little kid got excited when he found out that he “owned” in… Over the summer, some stupid little kid got excited when he found out that he “owned” in “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas,” a game that would teach him how to have sex. He probably got overly eager, or perhaps he didn’t understand what was going on; at any rate, he probably called over his mother, then the shizzle hit the fan.

Since then, there has been a renewed debate about how video games and movies affect children. In this age of working parents, where video games and movies are likely to do so much more of the parenting than those sperm and egg donors you call mom and pop are likely to, I can’t say that I blame them.

Kids do emulate at least some of what they observe through media. Anyone who doubts this obviously has never spent any significant amount of time around 7-year-olds, all of whom believe that they are Pokemon.

But, unlike most parents, I am worried about movies for a different reason. I don’t think that it is kids seeing violence and sex and emulating them that we should be worried about. I think we need to worry about how fantastic movies have become. And I say fantastic not to mean good, because most movies are crap. I use the second definition of fantastic, as provided by dictionary.com;

fan·tas·tic adj. Bizarre, as in form or appearance; strange: fantastic attire; fantastic behavior.

There are precious few movies about average guys who get lucky and overcome obstacles; they’re always a superhero or someone who knows kung-fu really well and magically evades all injury. Whether he is up against one enemy or 100, he manages to escape with just a flesh wound, riding into the sunset with the girl and an amusing witticism. More often than not, he will ride right back in the sequel a month later, even better at kung-fu than before.

Kids seeing this might begin to think that if they pretend to know kung-fu well enough, that they too can also evade death and defy physics. So I think that the time is ripe to re-release some of the more absurd movies to show our young, impressionable children what would really happen in certain situations.

Movie 1: The Batman Series

Batman has always been one of my favorite series – especially the new one – but it has always also been one of the most unbelievable. Batman does not have any special powers, he is just a physically fit scientist. So the plot of our new realistic Batman movie will begin with Bruce Wayne working at some big corporation, because, in reality, that is where most scientists work.

He will be working in a cubicle, staring at a computer when he gets up and sees through a window that there is a robbery in a back alley. Bruce leaps into action, rushing into his cubicle and grabbing a bag with his bat cape and his baterang. Wayne changes and then leaps from the third-story window to the pavement below, and the fall breaks his left arm and gives Wayne a slight concussion. Nonetheless, Batman stands up, blood dripping from his bat hat, which is lopsided from the fall, and calls out “Halt, evil-doers. Batman is here.” Batman then reaches into his pocket and grabs his trusty baterang, and throws it at one of the six gang members who is robbing a couple. The weapon misses, flying 4 feet to the left of the intended target, and bounces harmlessly off of the brick alley wall. The gang members then aim their illegal handguns at Batman and all open fire, shooting him 43 times in 30 seconds. Batman is dead before he hits the ground. The entire movie lasts 4 minutes and 20 seconds, 3 minutes of which are titles and credits.

Movie 2: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Standing on top of a thatched roof in his village, the hero sees enemy ninja approaching the village. He removes his trusty sword from the sheath, then attempts a lofty 15 foot kung-fu kick, but instead simply falls backwards and cracks open his head. The matter is, instead, settled in court.

Movie 3: The Bourne Identity

Jason Bourne drowns while at sea. THE END.

Movie 4: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I wouldn’t change this, because I imagine this gives children a fairly realistic and unbiased look at what an acid trip is like. But instead of calling it “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” we will rename it “Charlie and the Acid Trip.”

Movie 5: The Passion of the Chirst

Actually, no comment.

Sam Morey would like to thank dictionary.com for the years of dorky intrigue it has provided him. E-Mail him at [email protected].