As many important political scientists can tell you, state legislatures are like septic… As many important political scientists can tell you, state legislatures are like septic tanks. They drain the waste of society into a chamber, which you can pay a company to come and empty. Well, maybe there aren’t any political scientists who can tell you that, but they can tell you about how last June, our legislature decided to search for a perceived liberal bias in state universities.

I would like to take the chance to applaud our great state legislature for acting so courageously and judiciously to thwart this problem. Some might say that such a plan is a blatant form of partisanship, but not me. I think that we must examine our public institutions and make sure that absolutely none of them are biased.

This is why I believe that we shouldn’t end this glorious purging — other state institutions may be laboring under a heavy bias as well.

The next state institution that we should examine is the actual state legislature itself, which I feel suffers from a “filthy, greedy bastard” bias. Specifically, many of our state legislators are, in my opinion, filthy, greedy bastards.

Just as the legislators are basing their assumption of a liberal bias in academia on a biology professor at Penn State showing “Fahrenheit 911” to a class, there is ample evidence that our state legislature is filled with filthy, greedy bastards.

Last July, only a few days after finding a liberal bias in state universities, the state legislature voted itself a pay raise, raising salaries 16 percent to 34 percent and granting more extensive benefits. The real kicker is that many legislators began to draw their raises already. Thus, many of the filthy, greedy bastards voted for their own pay raises — which they promptly began to draw.

This is supposed to be illegal. Legislators are supposed to draw pay raises after a new congress is elected. The state judicial system has yet to act because they too were party to the raise.

Instead of wasting more money on education, veteran benefits or raising the minimum wage, our legislators had the courage of conviction to give themselves a larger paycheck, making them the second highest-paid state legislature nationwide.

This is why we must act. It is very important, especially for the state legislature, to maintain freedom of speech and protect the ideas of its minority members. Just as we must protect independent minds from the liberal barrage of propaganda called college, we should also try to promote differing views in the state legislature.

So, I propose that a commission be sent to Harrisburg to observe the state legislators. The commission will sit in during committee meetings and observe whether or not the chairmen of a committees are filthy, greedy bastards, and whether or not they influence the young, impressionable minds of the other legislators toward their points of view.

Another parallel is that just as it is highly likely that many people who go to college are already liberal and are not tricked or converted at college, it is equally likely that the filthy, greedy bastards who work in the state legislature were already filthy, greedy bastards before they got there. So, perhaps just as the institution of college may be predisposed toward making people more liberal, the legislature is likely to be predisposed toward attracting and creating filthy, greedy bastards.

As our committee examines the bias in the state capital, we can report on it. Instead of filthy, greedy bastards, we should protect the minority of good, honest politicians who are there. For every filthy, greedy bastard we find in the legislature, we should appoint a good, honest politician. That is the only way to remove any bias from the state legislature once and for all.

Of course, sadly, we can’t create an actual commission to label legislators as filthy, greedy bastards. The only power we have over these filthy, greedy bastards comes on election days — the primary election in May and the general election in November. It may require a bit of research to discover who did or did not vote for the raise, but that, my friends, is how you weed out the bastards from the non-bastards.

What a terrible time to live in, when we cannot trust our own state government anymore. But I, for one, am not taking a damn thing that the legislature embarks on seriously after this most disturbing example of corruption. If any politicians value the trust of their constituents, then they will rescind their pay raise or at least not take an early raise in the form of “Unvouchered Expenses.” That, or they can face the wrath of angry voters come May and November. And they can leave office in disgrace forever labeled filthy, greedy bastards.

The preceding column contained foul language and shouldn’t have been read without parental supervision. E-mail Sam Morey at [email protected].