To quote a famous Jewish historian: “Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses… To quote a famous Jewish historian: “Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax…you’re goddamn right I’m living in the f—ing past!” I went to Hebrew school for 12 years, and this quote from the movie, “The Big Lebowski,” can more or less summarize that entire experience.

People of the Jewish faith are taught early on to be proud of their heritage and rich history. Try as I might, I never really felt particularly proud of my heritage. Don’t get me wrong, I love being Jewish, but I never really understood what it means to be deeply and truly proud to be a Jew.

That is to say, I never did until last week.

A little bit of background first — last week, as you probably saw and ignored, recruiters for the Jews for Jesus movement were out on campus in force. Many people of the Jewish faith will tell you that we don’t hold Jews for Jesus in a very high regard. They are evangelical Christians who eat lox and matzo ball soup every so often, and therefore claim that they are real Jews who just happen to accept the complete sovereignty of Jesus and fully believe in original sin and Christmas.

From what I understand, some Jews for Jesus are actually ordained ministers of various other Christian groups. I am not sure, but I think the pope might technically qualify as a Jew for Jesus.

They go to various places — college campuses and Squirrel Hill, apparently, since I saw them there — and hand out crazy pamphlets in an effort to recruit members for their cult. I found their presence on campus last week very insulting.

Missionaries in general annoy me. It is nice that missionaries want to help humanity. But the fact that these people feel that whatever populations they are trying to convert are too stupid to find their own way is insulting.

The complete lack of respect that Jews for Jesus show in their unwillingness to understand and tolerate real Jews’ choice not to recognize Christ demonstrates their own lack of humility, understanding and respect.

The fact that this group advertises on billboards and in student newspapers across the country shows everyone how seriously they take their “religion.” Faith cannot seriously be marketed, let alone next to advertisements for tanning salons and upcoming movies.

So these guys are all over campus starting last Monday, confronting me at every street corner. Tuesday, I actually asked one of the people for a flier, and while the man was watching, blew my nose into it and threw it into a nearby trashcan.

I went out again last Wednesday, fully expecting to see those same blue-shirted fiends all over campus, and I was right, but something was different. Next to every single Jew for Jesus that I saw that day was a real Jew, and every real Jew was holding a trash bag, with a phrase like “Please don’t litter” or “Remember to throw the trash away.”

This was the best reaction I could have hoped for, and it made me the most proud to be Jewish that I have ever been. Of course, there could have been massive demonstrations and protests. Instead, this simple sort of reaction was the best revenge I could have hoped for. If the Jews for Jesus are going to hand out fliers and facilitate littering, then someone should be there to stop them.

For now, the Jews for Jesus supporters are more or less gone from this campus, but they remain active nationwide. I saw one last night in Squirrel Hill, right in front of one of the Jewish butcher shops, looking around as eagerly as if he were an overly curious toddler. So many heathen souls to convert and so few pamphlets. I walked right past him, smiling. Nobody was here to stand next to this one, and I could see his litter all over the sidewalk.

People of course will have their own interests and their own beliefs, and I wouldn’t expect people to abandon those or not do everything they can to act on them. But at the same time, every person feels that he or she is right, and that he or she is the only one who is right.

Maybe this country would be a better place if we all respected each other’s choices and beliefs instead of trying to convert each other all the time. This is all true except in the case of Jews for Jesus, because their opinions are, in fact, completely wrong. And I don’t care how many times they saw “Fiddler on the Roof,” they’re still not Jewish, and they can keep their Jesus to themselves.

E-mail Sam Morey if you are still a Jew for Judaism. He can be reached at [email protected].