Farewell columns in this paper have a bad habit of ending up sentimental and sappy, usually… Farewell columns in this paper have a bad habit of ending up sentimental and sappy, usually droning on about “How Pitt helped me find myself” or “What I will take from my career at The Pitt News” or “Why you don’t need to look at your watch when a woman on Liberty Avenue asks you something about your time.”

OK, maybe not the last one, but wouldn’t that make a funny column?

In an effort to avoid being boring, I’m just going to write about whatever comes to mind and act like this is any other column for me.

How bad are the Pirates? On pace to lose 118 games as I write this, through two and a half weeks they might be the most offensively inept team I’ve ever seen. Get this: David Ross leads the team with 76 RBIs, no one breaks 15 steals, and the team scores only 464 runs all year That’s what we’re headed toward at the current pace. And people wonder why Pittsburgh fans are so pessimistic.

Speaking of the Pirates, did anyone else know that there’s a college rate at PNC Park? You can get bleacher seats on weekdays for five bucks! I, for one, think that’s an awesome deal. I suggest everyone get out to the ballpark sometime.

Ironically enough, that’s also how much it costs for a ticket to watch the Lynchburg Hillcats, my hometown team and the Pirates’ single-A affiliate. But that is only fair, seeing as the Pirates could pass for a single-A team.

While I’m on the Carolina League, I watched Bull Durham again this week, which is still my favorite baseball movie. I also tried breathing through my eyelids. You know, like a lava lizard. It didn’t work.

Switching gears, it should be noted that Lance Armstrong’s retirement will end the reign of one of the greatest athletes of our time. Armstrong’s feats have been admirable, and I wish him the best as he goes for number seven in the Tour de France.

What I admire most is that I could never do what Armstrong has done, no matter how long and hard I worked at it. First of all, I have a build that is totally wrong for endurance sports. Also, I hate needles. Come to think of it, I guess that means I couldn’t compete at baseball, either.

Just kidding, Lance, you’re probably clean. And if not, at least we know you’re more careful than Tyler Hamilton. And I loved you in “Dodgeball.”

Also, I was truly saddened when I heard the news about the death of former NFL linebacker Sam Mills. He was always one of my favorite players, making up with heart what he lacked in stature. Also, “The Field Mouse” is still one of the coolest nicknames ever. As a 5-foot-9 linebacker, he played the role of the underdog his whole life, and the fact that cancer is the only challenge that ever got the best of him is as heroic as it is tragic.

Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett and LeBron James all miss out on the NBA playoffs. Proof that one man can’t do it all, and that David Stern only rigs the draft lottery, not the actual games. You think I’m making it up? Just wait until the Knicks or Lakers move up in the draft, you’ll see.

Did anyone else think I was just trying to avoid letters from angry fans three paragraphs ago?

Is anyone besides me hoping James “Lights Out” Toney wins the WBA title from John Ruiz on April 30? You have to like a guy who has worked up from middleweight to heavyweight over a 17-year career and is getting a heavyweight title shot in his 75th career fight.

Sticking with boxing, one Bernard Hopkins fight in a given month is worth the cost of paying for HBO. And “Curb Your Enthusiasm” is a nice perk.

Manchester United’s Gary Neville could face a police probe after kicking the ball at taunting fans during a game at Goodison Park (Everton won, 1-0). Silly Gary, you’re supposed to say the fan hit you first, then retaliate, then pat yourself on the back for your “restraint.”

Personal Reminder: Never harass players named Gary.

That’s about it for me. I’ll miss going to Pitt, The Pitt News, Panther Sports Network, 92.1 WPTS, waiting in line at the Cathdral for waffle fries and knowing my activities fee brings bands like Loverboy to Bigelow Bash. Cross your fingers, maybe next year they’ll get Boyz II Men. I hear Duran Duran is an option, too.

Thanks for reading these last two years, and enjoy the Wannstedt era. Let’s Go Pitt!

Matt Grubba is a Senior Staff Writer for The Pitt News, and thinks it’s funny that fellow staff writer Brian Weaver caught so much flak over his weekend baseball story. Leave feedback for them at www.pittnews.com or e-mail Matt at [email protected].