I am half white. I know, I am the dude who wrote about being brown all those times. I wasn’t… I am half white. I know, I am the dude who wrote about being brown all those times. I wasn’t lying, I am brown; still, half of me is from New Zealand. Usually my humble home country doesn’t come up much in my arduous and tortured scrutiny of every news source from every country in the world, but I have come across the most startling and revolting case of oppression. This crisis is the most underreported tragedy in the news today.

In New Zealand, there exists an unbalanced distribution of power among the different ethnicities. The white and Maori New Zealanders are outnumbered somewhere between 20 and 100 to one, yet somehow these two groups have a death lock on political power. The group I’m writing about was brought over by the prison boats more than two centuries ago and have thrived and grown in number since, but they are not even afforded basic rights. Not only are members of this majority bereft of suffrage; they are killed with impunity. Their deaths go unreported, and hundreds go missing every day. Rumors point to hideous farm camps where they end up being skinned.

These transgressions are in no way kept secret. These aggressions against a peaceful population continue in the face of the international powers that be; they turn a blind eye and refuse to get involved. This oppressed majority can’t even present its case to the United Nations, because they’re not allowed on planes or given passports.

But if only they organized, they could take over the country and live like kings in the land of the One Ring. With this in mind, I begin my open letter:

Dear Oppressed Opossums of New Zealand,

Your two centuries of persecution is over. The docile nature of your species has left you running for your lives in a land that you have as much right to as your hunters. You’ve been betrayed by your non-aggressive tendencies and the resulting lack of perspective. It’s time you realized the big picture: You’ve been had. It’s time to organize. The time is now, with me as your leader; we must avenge the deaths of all of our opossum brothers and mothers.

Why should I be leader? Well, I figured I would be since I’m the only one in our movement with the capacity for abstract thought. But we could take a vote I suppose.

We have all the chips on our side. Though a census hasn’t been taken in awhile. It seems that we have at least 20 times as many troops. And have you seen the New Zealanders fight? Of course you haven’t; it’s because they don’t. They have like 30 guys in fatigues with guns and that’s it! We have almost 87 teeth, 16 claws and a prehensile tail each. Enough said.

All we need is the proper tactics. We can discuss this all later, of course. In the meantime, you guys on the ground should start forming battalions of ground and tree force. Perhaps you should also hone your combat abilities: work the tail to teeth combos, flip scratches, etc.

The best part is that we don’t have to be worried about international response or action to quell our rebellion. Sure, there will be some initial hand-wringing as the first few bipeds hit the dirt, but history is on our side. Europe will scream and the United States will lecture us about our morals, but neither will lift a finger — history is on our side.

What history am I referring to? What is history? Oh, I forgot you guys can’t read — we should work on that. To answer your query, I figure that if no one lifted a finger to help the Rwandans and no one is doing anything to help the brutalized Darfur refugees in Sudan, what do they care about a couple of hayseeds in New Zealand? The answer is: They don’t and won’t.

You may be concerned about how the differences in ethnicity may lead to military reprisal. Yes, there would be Caucasian casualties, and generally when that happens everyone jumps in to help. But we’re at a point in history where the countries with troops are too tied up in morally ambiguous military policing in the Middle East. Also Western nations seldom endanger themselves for people of color. Don’t forget that most of them think that we have Orcs and Uruk-Hai here.

To conclude, the time is ripe. The time for Opossum Liberation Army and our inevitable triumph is now. No one will care, no one ever does.

Sincerely,

Your Future Generalissimo

Arun Butcher is pretty sure that the revolution will be blogged. E-mail him at [email protected].