Greetings, occupants of the year 2004. If you’re anything like me, you’re probably still a… Greetings, occupants of the year 2004. If you’re anything like me, you’re probably still a little bummed out about the election and perhaps even a little concerned for the future of this country.

Well, concerned parties, I have returned from the future to assure you that everything is still hunky-dory 100 years later in 2104. Who knew CMU had a time machine that you could just sign out?

2104 is an election year, and while, in the future, Earth is still the third Wal-Mart from the sun, much has changed for the United States. Elections are held much differently than they were in our time.

Political parties still exist, but before candidates are even chosen, they extend to nearly every facet of the media. Democratic CNN smears the Republicans 24 hours a day; Fox News remains mostly unchanged.

Many newspapers go far beyond merely endorsing one party, as they also strive to discredit the other party, inventing stories that make them appear inconsistent in their views on any one topic. The political nonsense even extends to children’s entertainment, as the popular puppet show “My Hand Up Your Butt” implies that all Republicans enjoy pinching and hair pulling while the leading children’s magazine, “Spank Me,” claims that Democrats lie to their parents and stay up past their bedtimes. Moral values are still the leading issue in 2104.

Political platforms are nearly nonexistent in the future, and the ways we assemble political teams are also much different. Personal traits, rather than agendas, become the most important factor in voter decisions.

This has turned the primaries into a sort of fashion show-circus, often featuring swimsuit models, porn stars, Hollywood actors and the entire cast of “Beverly Hills 90210,” cloned and genetically engineered to be more beautiful.

During debates, everything from a person’s sexual history to dietary habits is open for discussion. Typically, the candidate with the best oral hygiene wins and is paired with member of the Kennedy or Bush family. The roles of president and vice president are decided in a freestyle rap competition.

Once each party has candidates to represent it, Democrats and Republicans launch nationwide brainwashing campaigns. Through processes of unconscious suggestion, hypnotism and relentless pop-up ads, voters are slowly turned from functioning members of society into propaganda-gorged robots.

After a month or so of campaigning, riots break out in every major city, as Democrats try to kill off Republicans and vice-versa. As the entire population aligns itself decidedly with one party or another, “undecideds” are now created in labs by independent agencies and turned loose in the final month of the election process. This marks a break in the Democrat/Republican civil war, and any conceivable method to convert undecideds to one party or another is legal. Popular methods include brain swaps, neurobiological takeovers and star-studded pop music tours.

The final month is also marked by the Republican Party’s final efforts to eliminate all minorities. Whole ethnic groups are often tricked into signing petitions that, unbeknownst to them, allow Republicans to terminate their existence. Others are fooled by signs that claim that the election will take place on the wrong day, in a different dimension or on the moon.

The election arrives in what is now a meaningless tradition: Ballots are no longer counted because, after a series of 10 consecutive elections decided by courts, winners are determined by whoever convinces the most people that they are president.

Media outlets claim that both candidates won, and usually another wave of civil war, brainwashing and star-studded pop music tours continues until all of the United States is convinced that some Kennedy or some Bush is once again in charge.

Finally, the United States invades all countries that do not recognize its new authority, except those in the Middle East, which is still locked in a perpetual state of war and has been quarantined from the rest of the world.

See, the future isn’t all that different than today. Right now, we all need to come together under President George W. Bush and unify this nation. His family will stay in power for the next 100 years, so you’d better get used to it.

E-mail David J. McCarthy at his hot new Gmail account, [email protected]. It’s so hot.