I can tell what a woman’s personality is like just by looking at her. I won’t know any details… I can tell what a woman’s personality is like just by looking at her. I won’t know any details about her, but I can tell if she’s a happy or angry person — and it has nothing to do with whether she’s smiling or frowning. While everybody sometimes smiles or frowns, a woman’s overall happiness can be directly linked to whether or not she’s attractive.

As a general rule, beautiful women are much happier than ugly women. For the purpose of this column we will define “beauty” and “ugliness” not by what I — or any individual — judges as beautiful and ugly, but by how the general public feels.

For example, while I think the Olsen twins are among the least bang-able, everyone else thinks that their 12-year-old bodies and awkward faces are hot, so the Olsen twins are classified as beautiful, and we can make the reasonable assumption that they are happy. This is not to suggest that there is no crossover. Mother Theresa was among the nicest women to ever lay foot on this planet, but — despite my personal opinion and private photo collection — Mother Theresa was considered to be very ugly. So there is occasionally an instance when ugly women are nice and friendly people, just as I am sure there are occasionally hot women who are nasty on the inside.

Now, the reason all this matters is that, not only do ugly women seem much less happy, but they seem angry at the world. They are less likely to smile, use good manners or donate to charity. Compared to beautiful women, ugly women are much more likely to kick people, make mean faces and curse at the world every night before they go to sleep.

My points are easy to prove. When was the last time you witnessed an ugly woman giving to charity? Or a beautiful woman cursing the world? What makes this indisputable observation strange is its lack of existence among males. Think about fat guys — they’re all jolly. The ugly-to-unhappy correlation seems to only exist among females.

This is a major issue because attainable women who don’t make others’ lives miserable are a dying breed. If the correlation were inverted, ugly women would be happier and nicer, and attractive women would be angrier and meaner.

This situation would be better for the greater good. Most guys would agree that the better-looking a woman is, the more acceptable it is for her to be miserable and make others miserable. What we are facing, though, is a split, with the elimination of the middle ground, and a situation where women can be placed into two distinct categories — the beautiful-happy-nice-generous-wonderful women, and the ugly-angry-mean-ungenerous-women who don’t even smile.

To call attention to such a problem and not offer a solution is such a terrible thing to do, but I’m really stumped on this one. I fear I’ve acted too late, and this is already a lost cause — just like the time I didn’t tell Humpty the wall was slippery until he was on top.

The best idea I can come up with to realign the world order is make ugly women happy. I’m not sure how to do this because I don’t even know what’s making them so miserable. Maybe they’re miserable because some people continually refer to them as ugly women. Maybe they’re miserable because they were so ugly their kittens ran away when they were children.

Or, maybe they’re miserable because they are society’s forgotten contributors. Remember, beautiful women are only beautiful relative to the uglies. If that’s the case, then here’s to you, ugly, angry women of America. You’re doing a great job of making models attractive.

Ugly girls don’t have feelings. E-mail Christian at [email protected].