So we’re five weeks into the semester, and the work is starting to pile up. I’ve got 18… So we’re five weeks into the semester, and the work is starting to pile up. I’ve got 18 credits — an internship seminar, two major-related courses, a guitar class and two general education classes. I’m in my fourth year, and these gen. eds. are killing me! They’re not hard or anything; it’s more like boring, unnecessary, useless and unnecessary. Did I mention unnecessary?

Seriously though, have you ever taken the time to ask why you’re reading Shakespeare as an engineering major? Why dissect grasshoppers as a communication major? Why take a class about morals if you’re in law school? Everyday I walk into class and ask myself these types of questions. I hate analyzing art, but every other day I’m looking at sculptures of dead philosophers or paintings of mythological characters. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. In fact, a lot of us older students know something shady is going on. We also know exactly what that shadiness is. So I want to do you freshmen a favor and let you in on a little secret.

Naive freshman: Secret? What secret?

Me: I’m so glad you asked. There is no such thing as a general education requirement.

NF: No such thing? Craziness! That’s not what my adviser said.

Me: The gen. ed. requirement is actually the Rip-a-Poor-Student-Off policy.

NF: Rip a Poor Student Off? Oh dear. That sounds terrible

Me: Yes, my friend, it’s horrible. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Pitt, but the truth must be unveiled.

NF: Yes, Joy, unveil the truth. I want to know. I want your wisdom.

Me: OK, so here it comes. Are you ready?

NF: Yes, Oh Wise and Wonderful Senior

Me: OK, so I was looking at my status report yesterday, and I saw that I only need a total of 33 credits to complete my major and 12 credits to complete my minor.

NF: That’s 45 credits!

Me: Ooooh, you’re one of the smart ones. You will learn quickly.

NF: Thank you, My Omniscient Teacher. Teach me more.

Me: OK, OK. So I actually need 45 credits. That leaves the rest of the required 120 credits to electives and gen. eds.

NF: Wow that’s 75 extra credits! Do you mean to tell me that in reality you could have graduated in three semesters!

Me: Yes, my son. But that’s reality. This is Pitt.

NF: But what does that have to do with the Rip Poor Students Off policy?

Me: If I had graduated sooner, I wouldn’t still be making monthly trips to the Student Payment Center.

NF: I see. Yeah, that’s not fair. I mean, we’re all so poor.

Me: Yes, it’s not fair at all, my son. And we are poor — very poor.

NF: Just think, if we had that extra $15,000 a year, we wouldn’t have to eat three packs of Ramen a day.

Me: Yes, we could have six packs instead.

NF: And if we had that extra $15,000, we’d be able to afford each of our $200 textbooks.

Me: Yes, we would. And if we had that $15,000, we might not feel so bad about selling our $200 books back for $10.

NF: And if we had that $15,000, maybe we wouldn’t have to shop in the clearance section at Goodwill.

Me: Yes, yes. Fifteen thousand dollars can do a lot.

NF: So what can we do about this, Bearer of Truth and Knowledge? We must spread the word.

Me: You mustn’t say a thing.

NF: Why?

Me: The University has worked long and hard to convince incoming freshmen that general education requirements make well-rounded students.

NF: But it’s a lie!

Me: I know, but say nothing. When the time comes, leave this dreaded place. Leave and never look back.

NF: Yes, Oh Wise One. You have taught me well. So long.

If you also can’t afford to shop anywhere but the clearance section of Goodwill, you’ve got a friend in [email protected].