Dear Liz,

How do you let a guy know that he just wasn’t good enough in bed? Either he lacks… Dear Liz,

How do you let a guy know that he just wasn’t good enough in bed? Either he lacks resources or capability. I need to know how to handle this situation both for guys who may have potential and, with some coaching, could really be a star in the bedroom, and also for those guys who should maybe just give up and try some private practice alone, all by themselves.

-A Concerned Pitt Student

Let’s play the train-wreck game. To play this game, start by telling someone something that may be awkward or uncomfortable. Upon seeing the aghast expression on his/her face, you try to clarify what you said, but instead exacerbate the discomfort of the entire situation. Bystanders may gasp or hide their faces in embarrassment. Care for an example?

Let’s take a look at Johnny and Janie:

Janie: Doll, we have to talk … about us.

Johnny (concerned): Yeah, what’s on your mind?

Janie: Well, I’m not getting off when we’re in bed.

Johnny (visibly distraught): What’s wrong? I thought you really liked when I thrusted at you for 15 minutes straight. You said that you weren’t saying anything because you lost your voice at the game.

Janie: Babe, I do kind of, in a way, sort of like that. But I mean, it feels good but I like other things better. I don’t know. Um, yeah, it does, seriously, sweetie, I like it. It just doesn’t get me off.

Johnny: It’s me. What am I doing wrong? Nobody else has ever complained. Is it my size or something?

Janie: Your size? Well, umm, not necessarily but …

Johnny: (Says nothing. Runs to the nearest bridge.)

Whoa, slow down, guys. Before the hate mail starts clogging my mailbox, I don’t think that guys are that insensitive to women’s needs. What I do think is realistic about this fictional situation is the lack of communication when it comes to sex.

To make matters worse, some women believe they should orgasm from intercourse because of what they see on television and in movies, and when they don’t, they think there’s something wrong with them.

On the contrary, my dearies. To answer your question, Pitt Student, let’s try to step around forthrightly telling him that he wasn’t “good enough.” If your boyfriend’s ego were Superman, saying he wasn’t “good enough” in bed would be the equivalent of shooting 10,000 CCs of liquid kryptonite into his jugular.

We’re all still relatively young and inexperienced. Your guy’s lousy lovin’ tactics may be the result of past bed-buddies not conveying what they wanted, thus giving your boy a false perception of what women want. When a guy is finally with a woman who isn’t afraid to tell/show him what she needs during sex, he’s going to be receptive. Your lover-man will never develop his carnal skills if you don’t show him what he can do to improve.

So obviously, you know what you like. I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it once more: Show him. Remember Intro to Psych and Skinner’s theory of operant conditioning? All right, I didn’t think so. Anyhow, the idea is that if you show him what you like and he does those things, and you provide positive reinforcement (yes, yes, right there, oh god, you’re so good), he will do it again and you win.

As for the guys who you think should just give up — I promise there is hope. More than likely, he genuinely wants you to be getting as much from sex as he is getting. If you think that he may not care that you’re having as much fun as he is, lose him ASAP. That just shows poor character.

Pitt Student, I’m sure a lot of girls feel for you on this one. Educate this lad, show him the way, and make him one of those guys no lass will ever have to fake it with. Good luck.

Incorporating psychology and sex makes Liz Kelly salivate like a Pavlovian puppy. Yeah, she’s really that lame. E-mail her at [email protected].