Dear Ivan,

I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful time Friday night. You certainly made… Dear Ivan,

I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful time Friday night. You certainly made it a night I won’t soon forget.

No one ever thought you would make it up here, and I certainly never thought you’d find my neck of the woods. But you did. In fact, you swooped in and paid me a visit just as I was getting off of work.

I don’t want to forget to thank you for helping me spend an extra 45 minutes in the parking lot at the hospital where I work. After all, if it weren’t for you, I’d probably have never gotten around to painting my nails.

Oh, and I should probably mention that hour-and-a-half ride home. That was so much fun. I mean, I always wanted to know what it was like to swim 8 miles while still in a car. And the bloodcurdling fear I felt when I couldn’t see 2 feet in front of my car — my brand new car, that is — that was just how I wanted to spend my afternoon. Plus, I’m sure all that hydroplaning is good for my car; I hear it saves on the wear and tear on the tires.

Thanks for washing my clothes, too. I’ve been meaning to wash that sweatshirt, and with my classes, I’m not sure when I’d have had time to wash my scrubs this week. Too bad you couldn’t wait until I changed out of them. I’m sure my car’s upholstery appreciated the rinse it got every time I opened the door.

While I’m talking about my car, Rayne, I’m sure she wants to thank you for that 89-octane gasoline she got Friday. If your wind wouldn’t have been blinding me and your rain plastering my scrub pants to my cold legs, I never would have accidentally paid $1.93 a gallon for my gas and put the “super” stuff in.

You made me mad, though, when you scared my 6-pound dog so badly he refused to go outside. Even a Beggin’ Strip wouldn’t tempt him out to the yard. Apparently he just can’t pee in the wind. Nevertheless, a poor, defenseless, little puppy — you should be ashamed of yourself!

It was because of you that I spent the better part of two hours worrying about where my family was. After all, with your mighty I’m-a-big-ugly-hurricane attitude, you managed to severely disrupt my cell phone service all evening.

Visiting me at work and stalking me the whole way home wasn’t enough for you, was it Ivan? No, you followed me home, and continued your assault there. Thanks for the water closet/swimming pool you installed in my fruit cellar. That was sure fun cleaning out.

And that plant in the garden window — it didn’t need to be watered, especially through the glass. By the way, it’s artificial.

You really had me scared with Casper though. That leak in my kitchen ceiling? It looked like he was trying to break through the wallpaper. Nothing was quite as good as the Chinese Water Torture you put my family and me through all night. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. All. Night. Long. Did I say thank you?

Even though you stayed only about a day, your presence is still felt around the Mon Valley. Most of the people I know can’t even flush a toilet, let alone get a shower, because of your selfish destruction. Plus, you know, I really didn’t want to go to the mall Saturday. I actually just wanted to sit in more bumper-to-bumper traffic while I tried to find somewhere that was still open. After all, the malls and restaurants and stores and movie theaters and … well, you get the picture. They can’t stay open if they don’t have working bathrooms or running water.

So, on behalf of the City of Pittsburgh, its suburbs and the rest of Western Pennsylvania, which are not accustomed to having a hurricane hit them, thank you. Your path of destruction thoroughly screwed up our entire region. Between you and your girlfriend Frances, you spewed more than 10 inches of rain on our region. Sept. 17, 2004, will go down in Pittsburgh weather history, right next to the tornados hitting Mount Washington.

One favor? Tell Jeanne if she tries to come party with us at Pitt, we’ll kick her butt.

All my love,

Daveen

Daveen is going to solve the Mon Valley’s water shortage by wringing out her scrubs under an overhang. Send her feedback at [email protected].