It dawned on me one day that I need another hat. While getting a new hat is a simple task for… It dawned on me one day that I need another hat. While getting a new hat is a simple task for most people, I will put more thought into this purchase than I did for my last nine final exams. Some people believe they understand why selecting the right hat is so important to me. They believe I want the object concealing my baldness to be the perfect cover — it’s like a toupee with just a touch of class.

Actually, that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s possible I might only wear this hat once — it’s like women and shoes. I just need another hat. I don’t even like wearing new hats. I like hats that look dirty and beat-up. New hats look nice, but I hate wearing them because once they are placed on a head, they immediately go from that great new cap look to that terrible, slightly used cap look. It takes at least six months to get a hat dirty and worn enough for my liking.

For example, I’ve been working on my Franklin and Marshall College hat for nearly four years. I received the hat when I was a senior in high school for reviewing college Web sites at a conference at F’M. I don’t care much for the Dips, and never expected that this hat would become the most storied hat of my life.

During my freshman year at Pitt, I forgot the hat in my College of Business Administration orientation class. I got it back the next week from the professor with a coffee stain on it. I forgot it in another class a semester or two later. A friend saw it and recognized it as mine more than a month later when the two of us attended the class at the same time again. The hat was returned, and I went on to tragically lose it at least two more times. I believe one time it was stolen and peed on. It’s the second-dirtiest cap I’ve ever owned.

In fact, the only thing wrong with my hat is the brim. It just won’t tear along the front of the brim — the perfect sign of a well-worn hat. I’ve been tempted to take sandpaper to it. I even bought the sandpaper once, but the one man who understands the beauty of a good hat like I do, talked me out of it. I’m now ashamed of that time, and hope to never mention it again.

What all this brings me to is that it takes a long time to get a hat to the condition I like. My F’M hat may be the only baseball cap I really feel comfortable wearing. My F’M hat seems to always find a way back to me, but I worry that someday it won’t find its way back. After writing this, it also makes the hat a prime target for being kidnapped. So, I need to start dedicating time to another hat.

Last year, I selected a St. Louis Cardinals hat because I had never owned a red hat before, but it didn’t work out. I’m turning to blue. I’m not sure if I’ve ever had a blue hat, but I’m rather excited about owning one. I just can’t pick one. I want it to have a baseball team logo, but I have made some eliminations: The Blue Jays because they play in the same division as my beloved losers and the Expos, Cubs, and Mets for reasons I am not disclosing.

I almost decided on an old-school Brewers hat with the yellow outline of a baseball glove and a baseball. However, I want to keep my options open, so I’m also considering a Los Angeles Dodgers hat and a Kansas City Royals hat.

I am working on a pros and cons list. I like the Dodgers hat because of their rivalry with the Yankees, Jackie Robinson and Orel Hershiser. However, L.A. is too trendy and filled with pop culture. A Royals hat would be good because they have a rivalry with the Yankees and George Brett was awesome, but the rivalry has dwindled to almost nothing since the late 70s, and selecting two Missouri hats in a row lacks variety. Any help with this difficult decision would be greatly appreciated.

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