How happy are you to return to Oakland? Was summer in your small hometown close to driving you… How happy are you to return to Oakland? Was summer in your small hometown close to driving you utterly witless? I happily chose to bypass that, and stay in everyone’s favorite college town this summer. But as much as this whimsical town holds a special place in my heart, by July, I was stir-crazy. So when my editor e-mailed me about a chance to attend a three-day roundtable conference sponsored by Axe deodorant in Manhattan with other college editors to discuss sex, dating and relationships in college, I almost hugged my monitor.

All expenses paid, spending money provided and the opportunity to spend two hours talking to editors from magazines such as FHM, Jane, and Maxim, and Dr. Drew from “Loveline” — I was this close to making out with my screen.

Uh, yeah, you could say I was that sick of canned tuna, ramen noodles and the wonderful aromas of South O.

Fast-forward to the roundtable that Dr. Drew facilitated. And would you like to know the first gem of information that he disclosed? This, I promise, will not only intrigue, but also confirm your speculation. It will not astound or awe, but will force you to take a moment and think back to that certain time in your life where you wondered why your guy/girl du jour could seem to be born and raised in a parallel universe.

Ready? Scientific fact: Current research shows that the area in the female brain activated when she is engaged in emotionally stimulating conversation is analogous to the area of the male brain activated when he views sexually stimulating pornography.

Interesting? Indeed.

But it was the next topic of discussion that applies to all of you randy coeds. It’s our most popular form of romantic interaction, our weekend purpose, our friend, the hook-up. Upon dissecting the hook-up, Dr. Drew defined some universal elements of the hook-up that were repeatedly mentioned in a survey/study that he conducted on the subject.

The number one defining characteristic, drum roll, please: You are by no means sober. In fact, most of you can’t really go through with it without the help of the perennial college fave, the dollar draft. Maybe it’s the fact that you just don’t have — oh, however do I put this delicatey? — ah yes: You don’t have the balls/ovaries to talk to him/her.

Perhaps s/he is hot hot hot, smart, charming, funny, and everything else fantastic and wonderful, but your “Seinfeld”-esque approach to relationships can’t get over that small but fatal flaw that s/he possesses — man hands anyone? Whatever your dilemma is, happy hour is ready and willing to make it all go away.

This brings us into the now: a new school year, new people and, of course, new hook-ups. Let’s take a moment, before the fun begins, to put things in perspective, before you have one too many walks of shame or your friends relentlessly laugh at your Natty Ice-induced taste for well, whatever your friends are ripping you apart for.

We already established that alcohol is a major player in the hook-up game and we, reluctant as you may be to admit this, know what the point of a hook-up is.

Let’s put one and one together, and not place too much value on the sweet nothings uttered prior to the main event. This especially pertains to the ladies. Think long and hard about your situation if you ever find yourself or your friends saying, “the truth comes out when you’re drunk.” No darling, desperate pleas to go home with you, disguised as compliments about your great taste in shoes, come out when you’re drunk.

Condoms should also come out, whether you’re drunk or sober. Durex, Sheik, Trojan, Lifestyles — you get the point. There’s no excuse not to and, gentlemen, don’t use the “it doesn’t feel as good” approach. Sex with one on feels better than the rejection you face after your sorry excuse falls flat.

Now that we have that out of the way, welcome back to college. Let the fun begin.

E-mail Liz Kelly at [email protected].