Hello and welcome to The Pitt News Opinions Section. Your tour guides today will be me, Sydney… Hello and welcome to The Pitt News Opinions Section. Your tour guides today will be me, Sydney Bergman, the opinions empress — er, editor — and Maria Nicole Smith, my lovely assistant. Please keep your limbs inside the section at all times. A helmet is recommended, but not required.

For the safety of our audience, we ask those who are offended by well thought-out, well constructed columns, letters to the editor and editorials to leave now.

To those who remain, welcome to the Opinions section. Often the smallest part of the paper — we prefer the term “petite” — it’s where people express, well, their opinions. Through reflection on events at Pitt, as well as local, national and international news, the Opinions section provides focus and perspective.

In addition, the section gives Pitt students and affiliates a voice. Columnists, newsmakers and Joe Pitt Student can make their opinions heard. The Pitt News Editorial Board weighs in on issues from Pitt’s newest athletics fiasco (and believe us, there will be one) to national affairs.

Sex: This year, we aim to continue the success of last year’s sex column and up the ante. Liz Kelly and Anthony Ciarrocchi will be writing dueling sex advice columns — without benefit of any official qualifications, other than being able to write the word “testes” without blushing. Each week, you can pick up the paper to find advice on whatever sexual endeavors you might undertake.

Ask about anything, except that icky sore on your lip; they’re not doctors. Find out what that “My Documents” file folder full of “Redheaded sluts who like to give it up” says about your special someone. Explore which household objects make good sex toys and which ones will hinder normal ambulation. Be sure to read before you end up with a Batman action figure lodged in a very uncomfortable place.

Columnists: Each semester, we at the Opinions section hire between 10 and 15 columnists to write weekly or biweekly columns. Columnists must apply — applications are available at 434 William Pitt Union — and the applications are due Wednesday, Sep. 4.

Former columnists include Brentin Mock, who now writes for City Paper, Melissa Meinzer, who writes “Sex in the Afternoon,” the Trib PM’s sex column, and Genghis Khan.

Columnists become minor campus celebrities. Their columns and pictures are published regularly; they are paid for their work and enjoy all the benefits of being semi-famous, semi-locally — free refills, I’m looking in your direction. Moreover, they get to do what millions of young adults long to: express themselves publicly. No, not in that way. Ew.

Anyway, columnists pick their own topics, pour their minds and hearts into them, and, as a result, can be read by about 30,000 people. That’s like having the entire population of Statesville, N.C., entire population listening to what you have to say. And you don’t even need a bullhorn.

If you’re interested in voicing your opinions, honing your style, or are just sick of that soapbox on Forbes, pick up an application at 434 WPU. Please. Think of the children.

Newsmakers: Because campus leaders cannot be columnists — cough conflict of interest cough, cough — the Opinions Section publishes columns written by newsmakers so that the leaders also get a voice and can address the public. This allows them to voice their opinions on current campus topics. In the past, they’ve commented on voting, sex toys and which sex toy they want in public office.

Campus Forum and letters to the editor: If you don’t have the time to be a columnist — after all, living the life of a celebrity can be consuming; just ask former columnist Elvis Presley — the Opinions Section offers two other ways to get involved. First, in Campus Forum, we print topical submission columns — columns by non-columnists and non-newsmakers that address current events. Past Campus Forum topics have discussed the Iraqi conflict and the Oakland parking situation. This forum can be a my-first-column for some, or simply a way to express opinions without that clunky columnist title.

Letters to the editor, generally written in response to an editorial, are shorter than columns. If columns were a Long Island Iced Tea, these would be a shot of tequila, hold the training wheels. They address campus issues in a few sentences, and can show the general trend (or lack of trend) on campus. Letters also give those not attending or affiliated with Pitt a chance to respond to what’s printed in the paper, or to comment on the couch smoldering in their backyard.

This concludes the Opinions Section grand tour. I hope y’all had a lovely time and will visit the gift shop located at 434 WPU. And remember, when playing Clue, it’s always Nordenberg, in the Cathedral, with the tuition hike.

Questions, comments and messenger yaks can be directed to [email protected].