Every Pitt student faces an empty Friday or Saturday night at some point. As the crowds pour… Every Pitt student faces an empty Friday or Saturday night at some point. As the crowds pour in and out of the Towers, gleefully rushing toward intoxication, a new student might wonder where he or she can go to get in on the action. Of course, if the new student is not yet 21 years old, then “getting in on the action” means “participating in illegal activity.” In every party situation, whether a bar or a “kegger,” you will find at least one of That Guy.

That Guy, n, 1. Any person who, by virtue of ignorance, idiocy or bumbling, becomes a caricature of him- or herself. 2. Any person whose actions inspire onlookers to say “she/he/it’s That Guy.”

Before you go running off to break every liquor law in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, you should be aware of a few things that will help keep you from becoming That Guy. Things are illegal for a reason. If you get arrested for underage drinking or public drunkenness, it is most likely your own damn fault. Not only were you breaking the law, you were almost definitely doing something ridiculously obnoxious that “seemed like fun at the time.” Police do not go randomly checking houses for underagers; they are trying to protect innocent neighbors from horrible images and sounds that may damage them permanently. So when you have to slur “no, ocifer, I dun mean to lasso that stray dog with my unnerwear,” it is not the policeman’s fault that he had to come give you a fine. And you will deserve it when your friends make fun of you for winding up in the police blotter. You are responsible for what happens to you. If you break a law and get caught, suck it up. Pitt has a “zero tolerance” policy, meaning that you should expect to be hit with a $500 fine, lose your license for a while and take a bunch of classes. Likewise, if you wind up in the hospital because you decided to drink Lake Banker’s Club, don’t bitch because you have $1,000 in fees, fines and bills. Be happy you’re alive. Find the cop who probably dragged your drunken, sorry ass to Presby and thank her. And just because you can’t remember it, that doesn’t mean you didn’t look foolish passed out in a flowerbed. It is not cool to scream at anything you think looks good at the time. If you are anywhere drinking and think someone is attractive, you have several options. One is to say hi. Another is to offer him or her a drink. One is not to shout at the top of your lungs “Yeah baby come to Papa/Mama you hot, little thing so I can tap that and show you a good time tonight, oh honey.” Anyone who does this is That Guy, and will deservedly end the evening with neither respect nor companionship. The city of Pittsburgh does not serve your every whim. Buses stop running late. With Port Authority cutting everything under the sun, you are not entitled to a ride home at 3 a.m. If your travels take you to the Strip District, the South Side or beyond, have a cab company’s number in your wallet or on your cell phone speed dial. And be aware of how much money you have and how much you’ve spent. Charges at bars and clubs — especially ones with covers, like many in the Strip or South Side — can easily creep up on you. Your evening will take a dramatic turn for the worse if you find yourself broke, with no way home. Herd or pack mentality is not needed. It is poor etiquette to go anywhere with groups of more than six or so. If you show up at a bar or house party and expect them to accommodate you and 12 of your gussied-up peeps, you are being inconsiderate to the owners of the house or your waiter/host/bartender. More than eight people is a party in itself, so plan accordingly. Ask yourself: “If I were a party, would I let us in?” Your clever ruse is not appreciated. “No, really, it’s me.” You’re not kidding anyone. If whoever it is that cards you catches you in a lie, there is one acceptable response: give up and go home before you find your wonderfully convincing fake confiscated or yourself charged with a misdemeanor. The bartender or bouncer has better things to do than listen to your powers of persuasion. See fig. 1, the University Beverage Center’s wall of confiscated fakes, a Hall of That Guy Fame. Darwin rules all. At The Pitt News, we see too many students pass on before their time, usually tragically. If you decide to go get blitzed and then get in your car, it is not tragic, it is evolution. Drinking and driving is not cool. It is not OK. It is not funny. It is lethal, and you’ll probably take some innocent person with you. You’re an adult, so act like one. There are worse fates than citation. If someone you are with needs help, get him help. Fines suck, but death sucks more. The couple hundred dollars your friend loses will be more than worth it in the long run, and you’ll be able to sleep at night. Conversely, if you are having the party and someone there needs help, it is your responsibility to help them. If that involves shutting the party down, do it. Life is more important than money. Be friendly but not gullible. It’s cliche because it’s true: get your own drinks and then keep your hands on them. If you’re holding your beverage, there is much less of a chance that some predator is going to put GHB, rohypnol, horse tranquilizer or some other date-rape drug in it. You and I would both love to believe that everyone’s reasonable and just wants to have a good time, but there are too many bad people out there to trust everyone you meet. Loyalty is a virtue. If you have a good time at a place, chances are you’ll have a good time there next time. Not everyone likes the same thing, so stick with places that give you your money’s worth, whether it’s a house party or a bar. Some fraternities are known by police and students alike to have excellent supervision and teams of sober brothers walking around to make sure everyone is having a good — and safe — time. That type of service is worth paying and returning for. If you wander aimlessly through the streets of Oakland looking for a party, you’re asking to get ripped off. Know why you’re drinking. Your goal should be to enjoy yourself, not forget your own name. If you are very drunk and still drinking, something’s wrong. Contrary to popular belief, you can be too drunk. If you’re having a good time, keep it that way. The nights you’ll remember most fondly usually don’t end over a toilet or in a hospital bed. Most (OK, all) of this advice comes from experience, usually on the wrong side of the equation. A lot of it’s trite, but all of it’s true. College is a place to have a good time and enjoy freedom, but Earth is a good place to enjoy it responsibly. No one wants to be That Guy.