I became a columnist for a few reasons. First of all, I wanted to educate everyone about… I became a columnist for a few reasons. First of all, I wanted to educate everyone about important issues such as peeing, boogers, how much Canadian beer sucks and how much I hate it when people steal my seat. Secondly, I wanted to do so in an entertaining manner. Any time I can provide a funny story about dead hookers or how I turn women into lesbians, I try to use those stories to make the learning experience of reading my columns more fun.

However, every now and then, I fall behind on the current events involving poop, and have nothing fun to write about. That’s the situation I’m in right now. So, I apologize for the seriousness of what you are about to read — or throw it aside like my mother does with everything I write to her.

Now, what’s really been bothering me is something that happened to me the other day. I found myself eating a blueberry bagel with a hazelnut cappuccino while reading Descartes. While I have an explanation for all this — Einstein’s ran out of chocolate chip bagels, I didn’t know what a cappuccino was and I had to study — I fear that my explanation is just an excusive justification.

Some people probably see no problem with what I was doing — plenty of people have done similar things. While I am well aware of that, I am also aware that the only men who would do this are either gay or liberal — not that there is anything wrong with homosexuality. But I like boobs way too much to be gay.

Which leads me to a scary thought: What if I’m one of those liberal bastards I hate so much?

While I’m not the most conservative person, liberal whining pisses me off more than it pisses off most others. I agree with some liberal viewpoints, but it scares me to think that I might be one of those idiots who oppose everything Republicans do just so I can fulfill some need to think of myself as someone who has a cause for which to fight. I’m worried that the disease of liberalism is taking over my head. If it is, it will only be a matter of time before I’m classified as stupid.

Then I could join the ranks of those who feel it essential that they must always be bitching about some aspect of America’s foreign policies. My response has always been that if America is bad enough to warrant constant criticism, then get the hell out. Go live in France, eat cheese and walk around with your arms up, waving white flags. Or, for those who protested the war in Iraq: Go try living in an oppressed country where your constant bitching about the government is punishable by death.

Perhaps then, some of you would realize that while you consider yourselves to be so freaking “open-minded,” you’re actually very limited in your capacity to understand how things operate outside of the perfect, magical land you created in your heads. Maybe some of you would also realize that you and your hippie friends can’t outsmart the entire U.S. government between bong hits.

I’m glad that people use their freedom of speech. It makes me glad to know that I live in a country where people are free to have varying viewpoints that they can express. I just get tired of opening newspapers and reading about what Johnny, Billy, and Suzy think sucks about the United States. The United States is the best damn country there will ever be. I just wanted to say that now, before that liberal disease spreads and makes me become one of those people who don’t understand the greatness of this country. Email Christian Brubaker at [email protected].