After a pathetic showing in an Alcoholic Olympiad last weekend, Student Government Board, as… After a pathetic showing in an Alcoholic Olympiad last weekend, Student Government Board, as per the rules of the Olympiad, has surrendered the entire Student Activities Fee to the editorial staff at The Pitt News.

While it would be in poor taste to reveal specific failings, if you ever need a laugh, challenge Brian Kelly to a game of quarters. You’d be unwise to choose Todd Brandon Morris to be on your beer pong team, and Liz Blasi can’t flip a cup to save her life.

But enough of that — no one can be too surprised that The Pitt News kicked the crap out of those pansies and drank them under the table.

Now, with all the Student Activities Fee money at our disposal, The Pitt News would like to announce our well-considered and fair choices of how to disperse the zillions of your dollars that we wrenched from the hands of that bastion of media conspiracy, SGB.

First, we are moving our editorial offices — complete with the full bar and the catwalk with the poles and neon lights — to the Green Mansion, and erecting our Greek letters, Tau Rho Nu, out front. We’ll begin holding Natty Ice parties in a few weeks. Fo’ shizzle, biatches.

Next, we’ll make sizeable campaign contributions to the two candidates we feel best represent our interests and our huge editorial biases: George W. Bush and Dennis Kucinich.

We will buy the rights to the smoothest sippin’ whiskey this side of Tennessee — Jack Daniel’s, of course. We’ll copyright the name and all permutations thereof, such that Dean of Students and All Kinds of Other Stuff Jack Daniel must pay a fee each time he utters his own name.

To compete with our arch-enemy, Carnegie Mellon University, we’ll be stepping up technology. We will connect all buildings in the Quad by way of elevated moving sidewalks — how’s that for campus unity? We will also install robotic, armed guards — all named Gunter — in the lobbies of all dorms. Take that, Valerie!

Pitt Program Council will only receive enough money to sponsor week-long Spring Break debauches in Mexico, and only students associated with The Pitt News — this includes having been cited more than five times in the Police Blotter — will be eligible.

And, in a nod to the little people who so often get overlooked in the mysterious allocations process, The Pitt News will build a micro-stadium for the rugby team, right on the Cathedral lawn where they’ve been forced to practice for years.

Anyone else needing money is welcome to check out the “research studies” portion of the classifieds.