Another year, another Pirates opening-day win.

For the second straight year, a new-look… Another year, another Pirates opening-day win.

For the second straight year, a new-look Bucco baseball club has started out its season on a positive note, as Kip Wells pitched six shutout innings on Monday to lead the Pirates to a 2-1 victory at home over the Phillies. Last season, the Pirates went on the road to christen Cincinnati’s brand new home, Great American Ballpark, with a 10-1 drubbing of the Reds.

The Pirates are no strangers to fast starts under Lloyd McClendon. In 2002, the Bucs stumbled out of the gates in their opener against the Mets before rebounding to win their next five contests. Back-to-back three-game sweeps of the Brewers and the Phillies in mid-April earned the Pirates a 12-5 record, good for first place in the National League Central Division.

After opening up with a 10-run effort in last year’s win against Cincinnati, the Pirates didn’t look back offensively — for about a week. The Buccoes scored seven runs in each of their next two games against the Reds, sweeping that series, and scored nine runs in their next game at Philadelphia, taking two-of-three against their cross-state foes. The result: a 5-1 record and, you guessed it, first place in the NL Central.

Now, with a 2-1 victory under their belts thanks to a strong opening-day start by Wells, it looks like the Buccoes are ready to get back to playing small ball. If Monday’s game is any indication, good defense and a solid bullpen could take this team far, and one can’t help but think:

Why the teasing?

The Pirates need to stop winning right away. We all know that, come May, they will be out of the race, and, come the trade deadline, they will be a Triple-A ball club. I am so tired of hearing people talk about the Bucs for two weeks until they ultimately collapse and lose 14 out of 19. It happened two years ago, it happened last year, and it’s definitely going to happen again, as this year’s Pirates manifestation has even less talent than Pittsburgh’s last two clubs.

The Pirates are like that girl in your class who is completely out of your league. You know this already on day one, but she gives you just enough flirty smiles and pointless small conversations to keep you interested. By midterms, she tires of toying, and you end up seeing her on a Thursday night with a guy who could break you in half with one hand.

Or, maybe they don’t purposefully tease. Maybe they are too naive to realize just how bad they are, and that enables them to steal some victories early on. Maybe they are just like the too-dumb-to-be-scared movie characters, in the tradition of Navin R. Johnson in The Jerk and Pee-Wee Herman, who come out on top because of their ignorance.

In any case, this neo-Bucco tradition of creating a good outlook for what will ultimately be a disastrous season needs to end now. It is unbearable for Pirates fans or even those with a casual interest in the Bucs, and we can all feel a lot safer knowing that the Pirates will have no chance of making the postseason.

So why wait? I propose that the Buccoes lose their next 10 in a row, so that we can all relax and focus on the NBA playoffs and the NFL draft, as we should. Then we can enjoy another short, humid Pittsburgh summer of eating Klondike bars, watching fireworks, and swimming in … well, scratch that last one. Mayor Tom Murphy closed down all the swimming pools.

More Klondikes, anyone?

,i>Michael Cunningham is a senior staff writer for The Pitt News. He will be spending his summer looking for a job. Any prospective employer, or anyone who enjoys Klondike bars, can e-mail him at [email protected].