If you’re not a Druid, please stop reading this. This is top-secret and for the eyes of… If you’re not a Druid, please stop reading this. This is top-secret and for the eyes of Druids only. Dear fellow Druids,

I would like to call an emergency meeting for the Delta chapter. I would have contacted everyone in a less public way, only I had no idea how else to contact everyone. I know that it’s a security risk, but maybe at the next meeting we could take off our hooded robes, quit calling each other by number, and introduce ourselves. This way, not only could we share contact information for situations like this one, but also, we wouldn’t seem like a bunch of dorks.

I am calling an emergency meeting for several reasons. First of all, I paid my $45 initiation fee and have yet to receive my Druid certificate. According to Section 1 of Article IV in our constitution, I am supposed to receive a certificate. I understand that someone’s identity will be revealed to a GDND (God-Damned Non-Druid) when an order for a Druid certificate is placed, but I paid my $45 and expect to receive a certificate. My last A-plus was in seventh grade, and my mom would like something new to hang on the refrigerator.

Secondly, I have a few concerns about our tapping procedure. We’ve become so secretive that the only person who knows the names of new members to be initiated is the tap chairman. We don’t know anything about the prospective members when we vote on them. This is dangerous, because we really don’t know whom we are initiating into our club. Even I got the three-quarters vote required in Part 7 of Section 2 of Article III and I don’t meet any of the requirements listed in Section 1 of Article III. Maybe we should start having a Druid “rush week” to meet new members, like the fraternities do. After all, we are just a crappy, knock-off version of a frat anyway. The only real difference is that we’re cooler because, unlike fraternities, we’re embarrassed to let people know who we are.

Third, I feel the last few meetings have been unproductive. There may be a few reasons for this. Number Eight has been too hyper to serve as president. This is the most elite secret organization at Pitt, and he couldn’t sit still for more than a minute or two. We will never accomplish anything unless we address this problem. Therefore, if we are to be a productive organization, I feel it is essential that we require all snacks at meetings to be low in sugar. There should be no more cookies or orange drink.

Another problem at our meetings has been all the sexual tension. Two meetings ago, Number 42 and Number 56 were wildly groping at each other for half the meeting. They didn’t stop until they discovered that they were both men. (I guess that’s the risk you take when you start groping someone in a robe that conceals his or her identity.) That incident, of course, distracted all of us, and I missed the whole thing about our next Hillman Library march.

Last week may have been even worse. Despite ordering an extra-large robe, I received a small. (So far, I’m very disappointed with the $45 I’ve spent on the Druids.) I didn’t mind the small size until the middle of meeting when I popped a boner. My chubby was very noticeable and inches from being Tommy Lee-sized, so it was sort of embarrassing.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, we need to discuss recertifying our organization. We have not been certified for about 10 years. It would be a real shame if we didn’t act on this and someone else did. Any group of 10 students with a faculty adviser can go to the Student Organization Resource Center and recertify the Druids. That’s right: any undergraduate Pitt student can go recertify the Druids right now. Gee whiz, it’s a good thing I had all non-Druids stop reading this. Otherwise someone reading this might gather a few friends and a faculty adviser and make him or herself president of the Druids. That would make all of us look pretty stupid.

Anyway, I think we need to have an emergency meeting to discuss these things. Let’s meet at midnight tonight on the 35th floor of the Cathedral of Learning.

Christian is ashamed to admit that he was one of the Druids involved in the groping. E-mail your thoughts to [email protected].