Here’s a shocker: The City of Pittsburgh is broke.

Not the kind of broke that causes a major… Here’s a shocker: The City of Pittsburgh is broke.

Not the kind of broke that causes a major metropolitan industrial city to file for financial distress. No no, this broke is far greater than that.

On the top of the official City of Pittsburgh Web site, prominently displayed in the middle of the screen where important “City News” is listed, there is a link that reads:

“City Boat Sale – Ever dream of having your own boat? The City has a 1991 Rinker Fiesta Cruiser with a 30-foot hull for sale …”

This is not an ad. This is not a joke. The City of Pittsburgh is selling a used two-cabin boat.

It gets better – when you click the link, it goes to a .pdf file that looks like a cheesy flier you would see on a telephone pole. Check it out – it’s actually kind of funny.

You’d think the city boat would be a little nicer, but hey, when Mayor Tom Murphy is in charge …

Mind you, auctioning off city assets is a common practice when cash flow is needed. However, the fact that selling said boat is so important that it occupies top placement on the city’s home page shows the city is in serious need to make some cash.

I guess when you’re as broke as the City of Pittsburgh, the first thing that goes is the city boat.

It’s sort of like when John Kerry, who claims he is in touch with the common man, mortgages the Kerry-Heinz family art collection to raise cash for his presidential campaign (according to newsmax.com). I know when I’m short at the end of the month, the first thing I do is take one of the Picassos down off the wall, dust it off, and mortgage it to pay for my Veracruz burrito.

But short cash flow aside, the city’s mismanagement has gotten to the point that our city is in complete financial turmoil. Half the city’s salt trucks are out of commission as a result of insufficient funding. Garbage is piling in the streets, and parking rates are so high that they’re forcing employees and employers to move out of the city.

Recently, when the city was holding hearings on whether or not to raise the parking tax, they invited local business people to voice their concerns. The city council demonstrated its arrogance to the point that they cut off speakers, and soon attendees realized that the council had already made its decision on the tax hike.

Ladies and gentlemen, I can no longer sit idly by and watch my dear city stay on this crash course into the deepest depths of Hell. Instead, I am going to be active.

This column is my official notice that I plan to run for mayor of the City of Pittsburgh.

I’m being serious – if enough people endorse me, I will do it.

The mayor’s term ends in 2006. This gives my supporters and me about a year and a half to put together an agenda. All I ask is you e-mail me at the address below with your support, and if I get enough responses, I’ll seriously do this.

Why am I a good candidate? Well, besides being able to use the word “yinz” if prompted, eating chipped-chopped ham and bleeding black, gold and ketchup, I have a few ideas on how to run this city with common sense and responsibility.

For one thing, I know that you can’t tax a city into prosperity. I know that you have to legitimately listen to citizen’s concerns and complaints. I also know that when you have messed up, you at least admit to it instead of complaining that it’s everyone else’s fault.

So join me in my quest to take Pittsburgh back from the political machine that has crippled this city. Join me in my fight to make Pittsburgh great again.

Support regime change in Pittsburgh NOW! Stop Murphy’s weapons of mass taxation!

Vote Nick Kratsas for mayor in 2006.

Nick Kratsas is the assistant online editor for The Pitt News. Email him at [email protected] or visit the site, www.pitt.edu/~nkk1 and show him support.