I was partying. I was intoxicated. It was a weekend, and I was just having some fun with… I was partying. I was intoxicated. It was a weekend, and I was just having some fun with some of my friends. I set my beer down while I went to the pisser. I was only gone for a moment. I never thought what happened could happen to me. I picked up my beer, put it to my lips, took a sip, and blacked out.

Only for a moment, though. I came to quickly and spit out the nasty flavor that had entered my mouth. Somebody had pissed in my beer. Scanning the room, I realized who the culprit had to be. I was about to chuck the piss bottle at him when I realized that would be a mistake. Nobody had pissed in my beer. The bottle in my hand wasn’t mine. It was a Molson.

Somebody had picked up my Busch and left me with their Canadian schlong water. While somebody was off wondering how his or her beer had magically become such a great-tasting beer, I did my duty to beer, and gulped down the remainder of the Molson. It crossed my mind several times to throw it out. The only reason I didn’t was because I remembered my mother’s words from my childhood: “There are sober people in Canada that would love to have that beer.”

Assuming my mother was right, my question is: why don’t they just keep that crap in Canada? The answer is simple: Americans are stupid enough to purchase Canadian beer for a lot more than it’s worth. They think that drinking an imported beer is classy, and they believe this to the extent that they will drink something that probably tastes better on its way up than on its way down. I’ll bet I could jerk off a goat into bottles, label it as an imported beer, and nobody would know the difference.

Someone once told me that beer is beer. That’s a seemingly obvious statement, but the implication of the statement is more complicated — and dead wrong. Of course beer is beer, but this statement suggests that beyond your beverage being classified as a beer, nothing else about your beverage matters. It’s as wrong as saying a blowjob is a blowjob — accurate at first glance, but what if she bites?

In other words, beer is to Canadian beer as a blowjob is to having your dick clamped down on so hard that the teeth marks linger for weeks. I could go on with classy analogies, but I believe my main point is understood.

At this point, some people must be wondering why I care so much. It’s not that my tongue that has to endure Hell in order for me to get drunk. Well, I care for two reasons. My friends are falling victim to Canadian beer, and it pains me to see them ignore high-quality American beers such as Busch, Coors Original, Iron City, and American. Also, I know that right now, somewhere in Canada, some smart-ass Mounties are cracking jokes about how stupid Americans are for drinking their urine. There’s nothing lower than being the butt of a Canadian’s joke.

Truthfully, figuring out a solution is going to be much more difficult than just recognizing this problem. As simple-minded Americans, commercials such as a bear singing karaoke with a few Asian men has somehow brainwashed us into believing that Labatt Blue is good. Creative labeling has helped Molson grab the attention of American beer drinkers. People read labels like “This is my 10th beer and you’re still ugly,” and forget about the nasty flavor. I, too, am amazed that the beer often says what everyone else is thinking, — but it’s just not worth the flavor.

I can only come up with a few ways for American beers to compete with the brainwashing techniques of the Canadians. First, we need a return of the Bud Bowl. Sure, it steals the spotlight from football teams, but nobody cares about teams like the Panthers and Patriots anyway. We need American beers to play American football every winter.

Second, American beers other than Coors Light need to develop some catchy jingles. The wingman song was perhaps the best jingle ever — unfortunately, Coors Light is almost as bad as a Canadian beer.

Most importantly, we all need to pick up our drinking of American beers. It is in cans of American beer that we will discover great taste, and the ultimate truth of drinking: Canadian beer sucks.

Christian would like to organize an outreach program for sober Canadians. Contact him if you’re interested at [email protected].