As a paranoid, white, Jewish man in America, I’m made very worried by many, many things. The… As a paranoid, white, Jewish man in America, I’m made very worried by many, many things. The list of items troublesome to me includes heights, spiders and very cheap gin, but perhaps nothing worries me more in this day and age than the ever-present threat llamas pose to the existence of mankind. In our fast-paced society of “Inter-net,” rock music and Hula-Hoops, Americans have grown neglectful of the more than immediate threat of takeover posed by other species. While there are several highly ranked species making a run at ousting humans from the driver’s seat of the Earth, few give the llamas much of a chance. This must change. According to www.llamalove.com, the official Web site of Leisure Acres Llama Farm, which is located in New Bethlehem, Pa., “Llamas are enjoying a new popularity throughout the world, both as work and companion animals. At Leisure Acres Llamas, we understand how anyone could fall in love with a llama.” Of course they understand how anyone could fall in love with a llama; llamas are adorable. They have huge, shiny eyes, comically large ears and, for the most part, friendly dispositions. But that’s exactly what they want you to think. They might make you laugh by rolling around in dirt or help you out by carrying your books to class, but don’t be fooled – they’re plotting. By the time you’ve finished laughing at a particular llama’s crazy antics, it’s too late, for the llama in question has likely already stolen your wallet and eaten your left arm. The llama takeover of earth, or “llamic fundamentalism,” will begin innocently enough: Llamas will teach themselves to read and write English, Spanish, German and Japanese, and they won’t tell anybody. “Llamas are extremely bright and learn quickly,” the Web site says. That’s all the more reason to be afraid. These animals are both cute and intelligent, and that might prove a lethal combination. Using their newfound literacy, they will brainwash children and train them as rabid advocates for the creation of a llama state. From then on, it will be a cakewalk for the llamas. They’ll take over the United Nations Security Council, annex the continental United States and restart a nuclear arms build-up, keeping one eye on Moscow, the other on Tehran. They will begin a steady and effective takeover, first of our culture then our civilization, culminating with the domestication of all humans who survive the Llamic War of 2016. Lucky for us, llamas do have exploitable weaknesses. A scientific study conducted last summer by a group of semi-drunk college students found that llamas do not like Doritos. They don’t hate Doritos, they simply won’t eat them. That said, our first safety precaution should be to make as many things as possible out of Doritos so that we might begin to llama-proof our society. It’s imperative to start with everyday items such as shoes, pens and compact discs before even so much as attempting full scale replications of buildings like the Cathedral of Learning or the Statue of Liberty. The researchers also discovered in llamas a passionate disdain for David Bowie’s newer work – specifically, tracks off of Hours and Heathen. When said music was played, the llamas, which had been grazing in close proximity to the researchers’ car, all trotted in terror to the opposite corner of their enclosure. Apparently, llamas gave up on Bowie after “China Doll,” but you can hardly fault them for that. The threat these beasts pose to our way of life is not to be taken lightly. Roughly 4,000 years of domestication would make anyone bitter enough to plot against his or her oppressors, and that’s just what the llamas may be up to right now. People from all walks of life are certainly capable of joining hands to fight back the impending llama invasion. Here in America, Congress could llama-proof the country with two easy amendments to the USA PATRIOT Act, mandating that every citizen own copies of Outside and Reality, and that the only legal flavors of anything be Nacho Cheesier and Cooler Ranch. With just a few easy adjustments, we should be able to enjoy our day-to-day lives without the ever-present threat of llama takeover. At this point, you must ask yourself if it’s really worth the effort. After all, you simply can’t forget: these multi-billion dollar precautions may save society, but llamas are so damn cute.

Matt Wein has already conceded defeat to the llamas and welcomes both their rule and your comments at [email protected]