Dangerous cargo

Police arrested a Florida man (of all people) on Wednesday for shoplifting. The culprit was shopping at Treasure Coast Lawn in Port St. Lucie when an employee noticed him stuffing a tool down his shorts. Unfortunately, the thief chose the least subtle tool to steal — a chainsaw. Hence, the employees immediately noticed the crime and called the police. Alas, it seems as though the economy is even getting to Leatherface.

The panty raid

Police in Kodiak, Alaska, are currently dealing with a ruthless crime spree. A bandit is apparently going around and stealing citizens’ most prized possessions — their underwear. Kodiak has dubbed him the “underwear bandit” and police are currently doing everything they can to nab the curious caper. Justice will hopefully be served soon, as the police chief said, “It never pays to help yourself to the fruit of someone else’s loom.”

Jared, you liar

Zachary Rapheal Torrance doesn’t like being scammed. So when the Subway restaurant chain failed to follow through on their promise to help him lose weight, he felt cheated. After Torrance felt that the famous “Subway diet” wasn’t working for him, he promptly robbed four Subways near Birmingham, Ala. He told a detective that “he felt like he wanted his money back” since the diet “had not worked for him,” according to Hueytown, Ala., police chief, Chuck Hagler. Jared from Subway said, “Meatball subs don’t apply to the diet.”

Tigers in Paris

Yesterday, a tiger escaped from one of Europe’s largest tourist destinations — Disneyland Paris. French authorities are currently combing the area in search of the tiger and have urged residents in nearby towns to stay indoors. Forces from the Forestry Department are equipped with tranquilizing guns in order to take out Winnie the Pooh’s friend without seriously injuring him. The biggest worry from his keepers, however, is that the 154-pound jungle cat will develop expensive taste by the time he comes back from touring the French countryside.