When I started thinking about this column, some bitch was sitting in my seat. With more than… When I started thinking about this column, some bitch was sitting in my seat. With more than 100 seats to choose from, she chose mine. I’ve sat in that seat every class this semester except one — which I only missed because all on-campus residents get HBO now. Yet this girl decided to take my seat.

Please allow me to backtrack for a second. While I don’t remember her name, I remember meeting this girl some time ago in another class. And I hated her even before she stole my seat. The fact that I already hated this girl makes the seat-stealing incident that much worse. The only thing I really remember about her, other than my general hatred, is that she wants to — and believes she will — become a famous actress, which probably means she’ll become an anonymous waitress.

Now that I got that off my chest, I can return to the subject at hand. During freshman year, a professor of mine pondered about how students usually sat in the same seat every class. After the smart kids gave their smart-kid theories, I explained to him that the reason I did was because I didn’t want to take anyone else’s seat. I was called a smartass — which was much more complimentary than the “incompetent” I received later in the semester — but I was serious.

I would never intentionally take someone’s seat. Admittedly, I am one of the biggest jerks you’ll ever meet. Yet even I would balk at the idea of seat stealing. The act surpasses rude and moves right to barbaric and savage. What sort of a society are we living in when it is acceptable to steal seats?

If it doesn’t seem like a big deal, you haven’t considered the chain reaction. When said girl took my seat, I was forced to take someone else’s seat. Someone else was then forced to take yet another person’s seat. This reaction could potentially affect most of the class.

It affects all types of people too. The smart kids might not be able to sit in the front row, severely damaging their education. The average kids might get forced into the front row, branding them geeks. Or, in my situation, I might not be able to get the same good views of attractive young ladies.

My point is: Situations like this are potentially hazardous to all of us. While I know that this column just recently brought this problem to the attention of most readers, please don’t panic. Yes, it is a bad situation, but, being the wise, young thinker that I am, I believe we can turn seat-stealing into something positive for Pitt. Since it affects everybody — except for athletes, because they don’t go to class — we can use this as a chance to unite. Regardless of race, age, gender, religion or sexual orientation, we can unite and rise up against the people who steal seats.

If I could turn back time, I would have looked at that aspiring actress who’s never going to make it anywhere, and said “move, bitch.” Knowing now that my lack of action only makes a repeat occurrence more likely, I feel I have let down both others who have had seats stolen, and those people that expect me to be a shameless jerk to everyone.

But perhaps this whole ordeal will turn out for the better. I lost my seat, but maybe now this column has inspired others to stand up to those bitches and jerks that take seats. I sacrificed my seat, my time, a chance at doing a future Hooters girl and my limited column space. Yet if I witness just one person throw someone out of their seat, it has all been worthwhile.

Christian is aware he is very close to hero status, but is modest and doesn’t like to mention that. He does enjoy feedback at [email protected].