Holy crap, have you heard about gay people? They’re awesome!

A lot of you are thinking,… Holy crap, have you heard about gay people? They’re awesome!

A lot of you are thinking, “What’s so great about gay people? I mean, sure, Oscar Wilde was a decent writer and Rock Hudson was a pretty good actor, but what have gay people done for us lately?”

Listen, brother, I used to be just like you. I thought, “Cosmopolitans don’t appeal to me, and I really have no interest in isosexual intercourse, so what could the gay brigade have to offer me? I’ll continue refusing to acknowledge them as people until they can offer me a more enticing stereotype.” I thought all this in my head, then posted it on my blog.

That was before the gay conspiracy finally got a real marketing department and went on a public relations blitz. I don’t know whose closet they’d been hiding in, but suddenly, the gay army was out in full force, toppling the rule of law and order and piping their recruitment propaganda into our schools and churches. And didn’t they look fabulous! They’ve put the style back in “alternative lifestyle.”

It started with that Supreme Court ruling that encouraged sodomy. “Sodomy in the streets, and may the heavens fall!” proclaimed Antonin Scalia from the steps of that venerable institution.

That’s when I knew I better get on this big, gay-loving bandwagon.

I called up my token gay friend, Travis. “Travis,” I said, “Are gay people androids?” Travis laughed and told me no, but that’s exactly what you’d expect an android to say. It would take more than that to convince me.

So they conquered TV. From “Will and Grace” to “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” and back, the lisping, Prada-wearing fashionistas with their sassy hair gel and catty retorts – the whole spectrum of gay identity was there. And people loved it. I thought about my freshman roommate, who’d said, “I’ll tolerate gays as long as they don’t act gay in public.” That went out years ago; now the tolerant position is to accept gays as long as they’re on TV and know how to pull a room together.

“Travis,” I asked, “Do gay people have magical powers?”

“Yes, Jesse, it’s called gaydar. That and our ability to use hair gel put us as far beyond normal humans as they are beyond the beasts of the field.”

OK, OK; I give up. You win. You queens can laugh and cavort for the amusement and entertainment of straight America. We’ll let you have that, and our hairdresser and interior decorator and fashion designer jobs. And, OK, you can have Village People Night at bars around the country. You rascals!

What’s that? Gay marriage?

Don’t push it, queens!

Ha ha, only kidding. But seriously, it’ll be a cold day in hell before you’ll be driving your knocked-up spouse to Vegas to be married in a drive-though chapel by an Elvis impersonator. We have to keep some things sacred. In the meantime, why not occupy yourselves with a fashion show, or put on a Cher CD and prepare for a long wait. I hear you have your own pornography now; perhaps you could while away the hours productively. Or work on your recruitment videos.

So that’ll be our bargain. You all continue to be hilarious caricatures with sharp tongues and razor wits, while secretly plotting to undermine the very fabric of our social order. In exchange, we’ll “tolerate” you by letting you be on television and be the butt of lisping jokes – no pun intended.

I think, in the end, we all have to pitch in to spread peace and understanding. I’m just trying to do my part by getting the word out about the awesomeness of gay people. I hope it will work as well as my project to alleviate racial tension by treating all black people like gangsta rappers.

Jesse Hicks is not gay, but has pretty much given up on using his Pitt News “fame” to score chicks. They told him it was a rock-and-roll lifestyle, but they lied. E-mail him at [email protected].