The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Starring Jessica Biel, Eric Balfour and R. Lee…

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Starring Jessica Biel, Eric Balfour and R. Lee Ermey

Directed by Marcus Nispel

The original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” was the “Blair Witch Project” of its day. It was raw and hardcore; it was like the footage that proved an urban legend really happened.

Making this new version is the equivalent of remaking “Blair Witch” 25 years from now, with pretty young actors and major studio cash.

But I’m not going to bitch about Hollywood’s recent decision to remake every decent film ever made. That would be rewriting complaints I’ve already written.

To be fair, the new film, though kids’ stuff compared to the original, is a perfectly respectable horror effort, somewhere below “28 Days Later” but above almost every other recent attempt.

After the opening narration – by John Larroquette, like in the original – that plays up the rather bogus “based on true events” angle, we go to Erin (Jessica Biel), her boyfriend Kemper (Eric Balfour) and three of their friends. They’re road-tripping to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert when they stop to help a disoriented young woman – babbling about a “he” who “killed them all” – who ends up blowing her brains all over the inside of their van. Struggling to get in contact with the sheriff, they ask to use the phone at the wrong house; the resident chainsaw-wielding butcher – affectionately known as “Leatherface” – wants their flesh for meat and their skin for masks to cover his disease-ravaged face.

The added circumstances of how the characters end up at the wrong place at the wrong time feel “movie-ish.” In the original, they just sort of happened upon that house, almost casually – they weren’t afraid until it was too late. That was scary.

Also, this is a slasher film – essentially teens versus Leatherface. The original, though it had a killer with a chainsaw at its center, was not; it was more concerned with the madness of the family that lived in that house. The nerve-wracking climax had the heroine bound and forced to stay for dinner. Again, that was scary.

Despite how polished the new film looks, it is surprisingly nasty. Attempts to achieve the filthiness of the original – a money shot through a hole in someone’s head, a maniacal R. Lee Ermey (as the sheriff) feeling up a dead girl, an old man emptying his catheter onscreen – are weak, but the violence is mean. Our heroes are meat; they take serious damage and die deaths that are neither quick nor clean.

And, though the film has significantly more startles than scares, there’s still the saw. That sound, that terrible, efficient buzz – it’s instant fright.

Pay your respects; see the real one first. A newly restored print of the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” will be shown Monday, October 20, 8:00 and 10:00pm, at Waterworks Cinemas. Visit www.incrediblystrangevideo.com for more details. The new “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” opens in theaters on Friday.