What would you consider the greatest scientific achievement in the history of humankind?… What would you consider the greatest scientific achievement in the history of humankind? Fire? Yeah, that was pretty good, but I think some scientists in North Carolina have stumbled upon something much cooler. Granted, it required some gruesome treatment of defenseless animals, but the end result was totally awesome.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Through the diligent efforts of North Carolina scientists, monkeys now have the ability to control robotic arms with nothing but their thoughts.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ I know, it sounds way too good to be true. I read about it in a Pittsburgh Post-Gazette article, though, so I am not dreaming.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Miguel Nicolelis of Duke University was the head of this exceedingly silly experiment in which wires implanted directly into the brain of a monkey were directed into a computer, which was hooked up to a robotic arm in another room. Eventually the monkey, whose name has gone unmentioned, was able to watch a schematic of the arm on a computer monitor and control the arm’s movement simply by thinking.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ But if you ask me, science like this poses more questions than it answers. For example, how does one connect a monkey brain to a PC? Well, Nicloelis’s group started by removing chunks of the monkey’s skull to expose the raw brain underneath. After that, about 96 wires were shoved millimeters deep, directly into the brain. A kind of monkey-skull cement was used to fill the hole in the animal’s head.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Isn’t science fun?

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ While we are all applauding the revolutionary efforts of Nicolelis and his monkey research team, I thought it might be enlightening to gain the monkey’s perspective on the issue. I ponder how an interview with the monkey would go.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Me: Monkey, how do you feel about this whole robotic arm experiment?

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Monkey: I’m tellin’ you, Kurt, this is absolute [expletive]. One minute I’m swinging through my habitat, urinating on intruders, picking lice out of my buddy’s fur, and the next minute I’ve got some southern-fried eggheads shoving wires into my brain.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Me: So you’re opposed to the experiments.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Monkey: Yes. I mean, sure it’s great that I’m part of some technological advancement, but honestly I just wanted to use that giant robotic arm to fling my feces at those Carolina nimrods. I wish I could’ve been trained to do something more fun like smoke cigarettes or ride around on roller skates. Say, could I bum a cig off you?

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Me:’ Sorry, don’t smoke.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Ironically, the robotic arm was kept in a room separate from the experimental monkeys because, as Nicolelis explains, ‘if you put a 50-kilogram robot in front of them, they get very nervous.’ Apparently a monkey finds nothing nerve-racking about having a hundred wires jammed directly into its central nervous system.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ So what are we to do with this monkey-robot telepathy? The scientists seem to think technology like this could be used to help paralyzed individuals operate tools or even lifeless ligaments. I feel it has way more commercial potential.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ A friend of mine suggested that massive robotic suits be made for monkeys, which they could use to do battle with other robot-equipped animals using nothing but their thoughts. I think a cordless version should be made. With that, a monkey could use its thoughts to control all electronic devices in the household, from toasters to light fixtures.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Monkey, turn on the television. I think the robot-animal fights are on.’ And with a grimace and a small amount of concentration, the monkey would activate your television and tune it to the station of your choosing.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ I can only hope that brilliant and courageous thinkers like Miguel Nicolelis will continue drilling into animals’ brains for the purposes of weird science. If only more people would stop wasting their time and money on things like renewable fuel sources and cures for cancer.

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What would you do with a robot-controlling monkey? Send queries, quips, and comments to [email protected]