There’s no question that Microsoft is controlling our language surreptitiously through its… There’s no question that Microsoft is controlling our language surreptitiously through its Word program.

I noticed it for the first time last year, when I typed in the word “man-hour,” and a thin green line emerged underneath it. Word suggested I change it to “person-hour.”

“Person-hour?” You’re liable to get your ass kicked saying that hyphenated idiocy where I come from – Powder Mill Lane, the most badass neighborhood in suburban Whiteyville.

There’s no denying that, with Microsoft Word being the most widely used word processing program – short of spelling your name out with doo-doo on your finger – they, as in THEM, can change the way we talk. What gives them the right to defenestrate an ethos of integrity for such furtive machinations to modify the American lexicon in the name of their political latitudes? I mean, what’s the deal with that, huh? Here’s some of what I’m talking about:

Mankind to humanity, man-made to synthetic, caveman to cave dweller – a cave dweller? What is that, a vegetable? What’s the issue with getting rid of the MAN in every facet of our language? So what if it’s politically incorrect, can’t we just call everyone a congressman instead of a “congressional representative?” Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not against women – some of my best friends are women – but I just love the word “man.”

That word was chiseled out of a monolithic rock by awesome primitives with their huge, meaty, unshaven wangs, forged with sweat and gusto for all to marvel at. When I think of the word “man,” I’m transported to a blue-collar factory, watching good, honest, shirtless Joes forging steel for warplanes, beating the metal into submission with their proud, veiny erections with saucy li’l’ hardhats on them. Excuse these homoerotic descriptions, but I just love the cock … I mean cocks, I mean man.

“‘Gina omelet” – not changed. This seemed very odd. Isn’t ‘gina omelet a really offensive, derogatory thing? Seemingly, Microsoft doesn’t seem to think so. Well, I, for one, am revolted.

Wifedog to homemaker – what the hell’s wrong with wifedog? I thought that one was clean. Isn’t homemaker just another stupid euphemism anyways? For instance, when I was a kid, janitors were called janitors. Then, they were called custodians. And THEN they were called maintenance engineering supervisors. What was inherently offensive with the title of janitor? If they’re so freakin’ sensitive about it, why don’t they just call themselves the “I Do Important Stuff and My Life is Meaningful Happy Brigade?” How does that sound? Euphemistic enough for you?

“Frogman” to “frog associate” – damn it, this one really pisses me off. My grandfather died a frogman – as I understand it, a man who makes love to frogs – and I will not have his sanctified memories besmirched by this devilish bastardization of all that is good and honest about doing it with li’l’ froggies in a pond, or in the bathtub sometimes.

Besides, why should Microsoft decide on “frog associate?” What about “frog compadre?” I think the families of these strange but wonderful frogmen who gave their lives for this country should get together and bitch a lot about this issue. That would really be something.

Obviously, this filthy conspiracy goes far beyond Microsoft. The whitewashing effect of politically correcting our language is completely superfluous, because it’s only nominal. It’s not making people more understanding or less racist, or helping little Jimmy, who has muscular dystrophy, with his third-grade recycling project, no!

It’s just making some schmo feel really awkward when he accidentally calls that lady who gives you the bag of peanuts on an airplane a stewardess. For the last time, you sons of bitches, this isn’t Pussytown – excuse me, Feminine Reproductive Organ Representative Town – it’s America. So get over it, you pansy stewardesses, and just feel lucky we don’t call you stink-donkeys – because that’s what you are.

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