Keanu Reeves, Jared Leto, Kevin Bacon, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Bruce Willis are alike in… Keanu Reeves, Jared Leto, Kevin Bacon, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Bruce Willis are alike in two ways. First off, every actor or actress listed above has, in one way or another, ventured from his or her duties on the silver screen into the land of music stardom. Secondly, their ventures have almost always been as laughable as they were atrocious.

And so we find Robert Carmine (a.k.a. Robert Schwartzman) – kid brother to “Rushmore” star/Phantom Planet drummer Jason Schwartzman – is a young actor himself, with roles in “The Virgin Suicides” and “The Princess Diaries.” As you may have already guessed by now, Carmine is in a band. The name of that band is Rooney, and they play the some of the meanest wannabe-vintage pop-rock tunes this side of a “That ’70s Show” episode. They’ve even got the denim outfits and mod haircuts to prove it.

Thirty seconds into the opening track, “Blueside,” it’s easy to tell from whom Rooney attempts to summon their pop sound: Buddy Holly, Lennon and McCartney, Brian Wilson and a little bit of Rivers Cuomo of Weezer for good measure. Hell, Ric Ocasek of the Cars even lent them a guitar during the recording of this album. Badass!

The only redeeming feature of Rooney is that Carmine’s songs, despite what they lack in substance, are well-produced and well-performed. The attention to detail is certainly there, as the band obviously spends much time adding nuance to their simple pop songs.

That said, the way Rooney sounds doesn’t change the fact Carmine’s songs and lyrics are just plain boring. The most contemptible thing about Carmine is found in the lyrics to “Popstars,” in which he sneers, “Hey digital, you’re nothing but a bitch on strings/You’ll be back milking cows before you cash the check.”

Coming from a 20-year-old, starry-eyed pretty boy like Carmine, whose career in film and music is, no doubt, due his big brother’s success in both, it’s easy to see how Carmine has skipped “milking cows” and gone straight to “cash the check.” So, really, who’s the “bitch on strings?”