Letters to Mister Bush from Ms. Musharraf’s 10th grade class at Baghdad Public School… Letters to Mister Bush from Ms. Musharraf’s 10th grade class at Baghdad Public School

Dear Mister Bush,

Thank you very much for the liberation and the invitation for baby-back ribs at your Texas ranch. We may be a little bit late cuz, well, things are kinda hectic here. Like just yesterday on my way to class, I saw some people holding a banner that said, “GO HOME YOU AMERICAN WANKERS.” Anyway, that really ticked me off, so I said, “Hey, cut that Shiite out … Papa W only wants what’s best for us.” Of course, they were a bunch of smart mouths and tried to lecture me about “the clash of civilizations,” and how “freedom will be on their terms, held in place by their sanctions, blah blah blah.”

What do those guys know? Our student teacher Mr. McCarthy (who was graciously sent by the United Nations) assured us that “there is a rich historical tradition of people showing gratitude toward their colonizers.” I mean, just look at India and the British and stuff, right?

Hey, if there’s any chance you could get me Vin Diesel’s autograph, I’d really appreciate it. That guy is somethin’ else.

Thanks,

Qusayy “George” Ahmed

Dear Mister Bush,

I’ve been pretty hungry these last couple of days, so you can only imagine how glad I was to hear that Ronald McSaddam might be coming with toys in the Happy Meals!!! I assure you that many Iraqis are awaiting the Golden Arches with open arms and empty stomachs. You may need to do a few things to make the franchise take off in these parts though. For example, maybe Ronald McSaddam could wear a fez and have a moustache painted on. Or maybe we could have a new advertising campaign: “What better way to celebrate your liberation than by sinking your teeth into a side of beef? Try the new McFreedom!!”

I think the dude next to me has been looking over my shoulder to copy my idea, but I swear I had it first.

Sincerely,

Kahtan Saleh

P.S. – If you want a souvenir chunk from one of the toppled Saddam statues, just let me know. I can probably get you a discount.

Dear Mister Bush,

Show me the money! Just kidding … I’ve been dying to say that since they ousted “the Big S.” I don’t really have too much to say – just keep up the good work, I guess. And don’t worry about those airbrushed photos of civil unrest from those left-wing communist newspapers. Henny Penny!! The sky is falling!!! Usually I disagree with U.S. policy, but I think Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld very sagely pointed out, “these things happen.” I mean, the sky already did kinda fall, didn’t it? And if several thousand metric tons of explosives couldn’t bring it down, how could a handful of warlords and thieves? Get real dudes, “Shock and Awe” was so last week.

The only thing I’m worried about fighting for now is my right to party. After all, with the majority of our population under the age of thirty, I’d say the next few months are going to be a rollicking good time.

Holla back,

Hayder “da House” Ibrahim

Jason Castro is a columnist for The Pitt News.