I am both honored and surprised to have been named this year’s Senior of the Year.

I am… I am both honored and surprised to have been named this year’s Senior of the Year.

I am not surprised because I think I’m undeserving of the award. Rather, I’m surprised because I believed that the award is typically reserved for tools who blindly support the University and its oft-ignoble causes. In truth, I didn’t even apply for this great honor, strictly because of these preconceived notions that lead me to believe I was ineligible for the award.

But the University proved me wrong: The search committee was able to look beyond all of the trouble I’ve caused Pitt this year, and was able to see that it was all done for the greater good.

So today, in true Senior of the Year fashion, I’d like to talk a great deal about myself, why I’ve won this prestigious award, and then talk some more about myself.

Forrging new solutions

I’m white, and I think that helped me a lot. I’m also male, which didn’t hurt either.

At this time, I would like to thank my parents, Charles Hartman and Catherine Hartman, for making me a white male, thereby increasing my chances of winning.

So in many ways, I’m a lot like most of the previous recipients of this great award. But I’m also unique, like a beautiful snowflake, in many important ways.

For instance, unlike many previous winners, I am not Greek. My father is primarily German, and my mother is mostly Irish and English. Not being Greek has prevented me from living on the Hill, from attending huge parties, and from citing obscure statistics about how all Greeks will be successful politicians and rich CEOs.

At this time, I would like to criticize my parents, Charles Hartman and Catherine Hartman, for not making me Greek, thereby decreasing my chances of winning.

But I am driven. Through these challenges, I persevered. I was able to forge new solutions – and while I couldn’t be Greek, I could certainly pretend. At a young age, I memorized all 24 letters in the Greek alphabet, began eating baklava each night, and performed hazing rituals involving a three-legged goat with a keg of beer strapped to its back.

But my unfavorable lineage isn’t the only thing that makes me an unlikely candidate for this award: I almost never schmooze, I don’t consider myself a Christian, and I’m not a stupid Druid leech who hangs out at the chancellor’s house on weekends.

In order to compensate for these shortcomings, I had to be truly creative, witty, smart, funny, and great. In a feat of true inspiration, I decided to put on an SGB mask and had myself initiated into Pitt’s favorite secret society. Now that I’m a Druid, I feel silly for having ever criticized the group: We get to do secret marches on the Cathedral lawn, watch football with the chancellor, suck up, and practice being huge tools.

We also get to develop connections with other important current and past Druids, and oppress people who don’t have those connections. I was good before, but now that I’m a Druid, I’m great.

So in a sense, I’m winning this award today because I overcame every obstacle that was thrown at me. I’m fantastic.

Part where I pretend to be benevolent

But really, it could have been anyone. Since this year’s committee was insightful enough to look for a candidate who truly promoted change – even if that meant shaking things up a bit – there are countless other worthy candidates.

La’Tasha Mayes is a current SGB member who is also involved with about a dozen campus organizations. She is dedicated to making sure underrepresented students here have their voice, and she’s not afraid stand up for what she believes in.

Sean Rowley has worked extensively with a host of organizations that affect positive change on campus, and has always fought selflessly for human rights issues.

Courtney Richardson had a hand in everything from Black Action Society’s steering committee to Pitt’s mock trial group. She has dedicated countless hours to community service and outreach, and is the president of the Native American Student Association.

I could go on and on – there are so many students who deserve this award – but in the interest of talking about myself more, I’ll keep it to just three examples. After all, because the students I mentioned above actually fight for what they believe in, and occasionally take a stand against a University policy or decision, they weren’t likely to win this award from the beginning.

More about how cool I am

I realize the average Pitt student has no idea what the Senior of the Year award is, but it basically boils down to this: You get your name carved in one of the sandstones used to pave a walkway on the Cathedral lawn. So several dozen years after you’ve graduated, you show your kids that stone, and they wrongly believe that “Senior of the Year” means you did something great for Pitt.

You’ll lie to your children, and neglect to tell them that “Senior of the Year” actually means that you made good grades, sucked up like no other, and participated in cloaked ceremonies where other sword-bearing tools taught you how to be an uncaring, self-absorbed tyrant.

But I won’t lie to my kids. I’ll be completely honest when I tell them that I won Senior of the Year because of a deal I made with Pitt’s administration wherein I’d stop criticizing the chancellor’s pay raise in print in exchange for free tuition, Senior of the Year, and diplomatic immunity for life.

Thank you all for selecting me for this very prestigious award.

Dave Hartman won’t be attending the University’s Honors Convocation on Friday – where the real Senior of the Year will be announced – but wants to send a big shout-out to his co-Druids anyway.