Sunday morning, I awoke to the most surreal headline in history: Beauty Queens Flee As… Sunday morning, I awoke to the most surreal headline in history: Beauty Queens Flee As Death Toll Rises.

The picture that formed in my mind was pure pop culture pastiche: the fall of Saigon, but with beauty queens rather than U.S. Marines being airlifted from the embassy roof. I could see Miss Ireland, with one knee hooked through a dangling rope ladder, blowing kisses to the surging rioters as the evacuation team yelled instructions from the helicopter above: “Yes, wave with your wrist! It’s ‘wrist, wrist, elbow’! And don’t stop smiling!” I wondered how the Evacuation from Religiously Inflamed Country portion of the contest would affect her score.

Convinced that the world had officially gone off the deep end – apparently I’d missed a memo? – I began to board up the windows and hoard food. If they were coming for the beauty queens, who would be next?

Then I remembered I live in America, where we don’t riot over silly things like religious orthodoxy. We reserve that kind of zeal for football games.

Yes, while Muslim and Christian Nigerians rioted and counter-rioted over what was seen as an indecent display of nubile young flesh during the Islamic holy month of Ramadan, drunken Americans rampaged over college football games in Ohio, California, Washington and both Carolinas.

The important difference, of course, is that no one was killed in the United States, while the death toll in Nigeria may already have reached 200. I can’t help but wonder if maybe we just aren’t trying hard enough to win this battle of “Who’s More Stupid?”

Come on, if you’re going to submit to mob rule, flood the streets with fanatics, destroy property and endanger lives, you’d better be willing to go all the way. Sure, I understand that-nms many of the football hooligans were collegiate dilettantes unskilled in the fine art of freelance destruction – but man, were you just not drunk enough to make sure someone got killed?

There are those who will say we aren’t really in the same league as Nigeria, a country whose simmering religious tension boiled over into full-scale strife at the most convenient opportunity. How can a simple college football riot – a bunch of kids just out to have some fun – compare with that?

Like I said, not very well. Because nobody managed to get killed.

A better question to ask is this: Can a riot ever be just, in the most literal “ends justify the means” way? A prominent Nigerian, commending the decision of Miss World authorities to move the contest to London, called it “unfortunate that the government doesn’t respond to the wishes of the people unless something unpleasant happens.” Congratulations. Two hundred people died – in ways quite “unpleasant” – to ensure that a silly, fairly shallow beauty pageant wouldn’t interfere with your holy ritual. Was it worth it?

To the college marauders, congratulations are also in order. You also sent a message, though a less coherent one. You showed your school spirit by flipping over some cars and setting them on fire. Woooo! Go Ohio State, No. 1! Those cars won’t be messing with you come bowl time!

A riot is an irrational, uncontrollable act, wrong in every instance and by every conceivable measure of morality. Religious fervor and perverted school spirit are equally effective justifications for violence, that is, they aren’t justifications at all. They are only excuses to destroy, to submit to the rule of King Mob.

Most disheartening about these events is the betrayal of ideals by those who participated in such hostility. In Nigeria, the most pious committed the acts of murder so anathema to all religion, to all compassion for human life. In America, college students, the best and brightest we have to offer – does anyone still use that phrase? – flooded the streets, committing acts of irrational destruction and violence so anathema to the entire concept of higher learning.

Jesse Hicks wants to thank his personal muse, Winona Ryder-with-a-y, Foster, and anyone who might’ve read his columns this semester. It’s been interesting. Be seeing you, [email protected].