I have a gift for you.

It’s a new word for you to cherish and circulate into your… I have a gift for you.

It’s a new word for you to cherish and circulate into your everyday vocabulary. This word is “probulius.” Probulius is another step in our society’s constant effort to adapt to a changing world.

There are those among us who have spent their entire lives talking their way out of problems, through school assignments and into relationships. They have turned this practice into an art. And this art is called probulius.

The structure of probulius is actually a merging of two words. Probulius borrows its prefix “pro” from the word profound and its suffix “bul” from the word bullshit. In its rawest sense, probulius might be defined as a highly developed and stylistic breed of bullshitting. Now to clear up confusion I’ll provide a few examples of how to use probulius.

We’ve all overheard someone speaking with a friend about something we knew a great deal about. He or she went on and on speaking with absolute certainty, the friend seemed intrigued, and all the while was completely wrong. He or she was being probulius.

It doesn’t matter if the person knew he or she was wrong or not. As long as to the uneducated ear it sounded credible and to the educated ear it sounded like rubbish, it was probulius.

Here probulius may also assume its noun form: “He was spewing probul.” That is, a fancy but false speech.

A paper you like, your mother loves and your professor hates is most likely probulius. Most political speeches are probulius. Any developed argument with holes in it is probulius. Advice from a parent or grandparent is most often probulius. Guys often behave probuliusly when trying to pick up girls – they infer that they do more than they do or know more than they know. That too is probulius.

I don’t wish to define too many situations as always being probulius, because ultimately it is a subjective term. I would say that communism is a probulius theory; you might disagree. I believe Plato’s Republic is, on the whole, probulius. Plato would most certainly disagree.

You might think this article is probulius. I most certainly disagree. Democrats think republicans are probulius and vice versa. The only firm rule is that if something is true, it can’t be probulius.

Probulius is a glorious word. So take this word, my friends, and place it in your vocabulary. I’m sure you’ll find it a useful tool. Use it amongst your friends and family, explain it to them and encourage them to plant its seed wherever they go. Circulate probulius into papers you write, and the next time you’re in a philosophy or theory class and your professor asks for an opinion on the text, raise your hand boldly and declare, “I found the author nothing more than probulius!”

Be proud of this word. Soon probulius will be on the tongue of people all over the world. Sure, the French may change it to perbule, and the Spanish will say probulioso, but it will have all started here in Pittsburgh. So when that day comes, years from now, when your child approaches you and asks, “Mommy” or “Daddy” with those big curious eyes, “What’s probulius mean?,” you can smile and tell them the story of how it all began.

We are all forever indebted to Kelsey Volkmann who first coined probulius. For questions and comments, Will Minton can be reached at [email protected].