1. “Gladiator” as Best Picture

Startling lack… 1. “Gladiator” as Best Picture

Startling lack of heartbreaking love story or mind-blowing Kung Fu.

2. Old Pitt insignia vs. new panther logo

Is there any contest?

3. Britney Spears’ new Pepsi video

Music video or prequel to bad acting career?

4. “Wonder Boys”

Is this what Pittsburgh looks like to the Carnegie Mellon University kids?

5. Honest-to-goodness kindness and sincerity

The only direction left to head toward in the near future.

6. The TV show “Boot Camp”

Do we really want to watch these people cry?

7. Arthur C. Clarke giving award for screenwriting to Stephen Gaghan

Renowned pedophile passes the torch to admitted heroin abuser.

8. Sandboxautomatic.com

One-stop hip-hop shop.

9. The triumphant return of Allen Iverson

Thirty-six-point effort reestablishes the second coming.

10. “Blow”

Paul Reubens is back from nostalgia, possibly sharing a ride with Mr. T.

11. Chris Robinson’s photo opportunities with Kate Hudson at the Oscars

Ever feel really out of place?

12. Burning CDs in the computer labs

Blatant theft never felt so right.

13. Sprite’s new rappin’ commercials

Curiously suspicious.

14. Startling lack of Internet cafes in the United States

Doing our best to prevent the spread of a global community.

15. Psychoexgirlfriend.com

Scathing voice mails are loved by all.

16. Your wife Goldie Hawn screwing up her presentation speech at the Oscars

More embarrassing than sitting next to Chris Robinson.

17. Z-Trip’s “Rockstar”

It was only a matter of time until the DJs got to AC/DC and Black Sabbath.

18. Fluorescent Euro-style backpacks

It’s like the future, 15 years ago!

19. Bob Dylan at the Oscars

Worse performance than Goldie Hawn.

20. Yul Brynner references

Overheard more often than the last Outkast album.

21. The new Taco Bell ad campaign

Possibly written by chain-smoking monkeys.