Sucker for a tasty gal

You weren’t the only one alone on Valentine’s Day. The Seattle Aquarium canceled a scheduled mating session between its giant Pacific octopus, Kong, over concerns that he would eat his potential mates. The female octopuses the aquarium planned to impregnate were only around 30 to 40 pounds, compared to Kong, who weighs 70 pounds. Kong’s mating was originally part of the aquarium’s Octopus Week, which people could buy tickets to attend. Aquarium representatives have yet to confirm whether cephalopod sex would be more or less horrifying to young viewers than watching one slowly consume another.

Too-valuable meal

Would you like fries with that waste of money? A bottle of McDonald’s special Big Mac sauce has sold in the United Kingdom for 65,900 pounds — or $95,394. The 25-ounce bottle of secret sauce comes with a sauce gun similar to the ones McDonald’s uses in its restaurants and a voucher for one free burger. According to the eBay listing, “This is the only bottle of Big Mac sauce that’s ever been available to the public in the UK and isn’t available for sale anywhere else in the country.” McDonald’s said the proceeds will go toward its Ronald McDonald House Charities. One thing is for sure: Someone has some Mac sauce in their bag, swag.

Joaquín García’s years off

A Spanish man became eligible for a length-of-service award after completing his 20th year at a wastewater treatment plant, but it quickly became clear that all he had done for the past six years is plant lies. Joaquín García simply stopped showing up to work in 2010, instead spending his time reading philosophy at home while still collecting a government paycheck. His town’s government is now fining Garcia $30,000 — the equivalent of one year’s salary. Apparently nobody noticed García’s absence, which could probably back up his claim that he had no work to do anyway. Unnamed staff members of The Pitt News are reportedly willing to trade one bottle of Big Mac sauce for García’s secret. We’ll wait for your call.

Pushed-up into crime

A group of Chinese drug traffickers gave new meaning to “chemical support” on Monday, when Australian authorities burst their bubble. Police captured $890.5 million worth of liquid methamphetamine, which the traffickers hid in gel bra inserts and unspecified art supplies. The laced inserts, reportedly only a bit more expensive than a standard Victoria’s Secret bra, make up the largest liquid meth bust in the country’s history. There is still no definitive answer from police on whether the bras function better as meth compartments or places to hold snacks.

The caroling dead

Apparently rising from the dead is only acceptable for full-grown adults. Sycamore Township charged Jason Dixon with several zoning violations in December after he put a nativity scene featuring zombies instead of biblical figures on his front lawn — RE: zombie baby Jesus. This was the third year Dixon put his decorations up, and he was facing thousands of dollars in fines. According to officials, they “aren’t anti-zombie” but clearly are pro-buzzkill. The county has now dropped its charges against Dixon, in what his lawyer claimed is a victory for free expression. This is truly one small step for man, one long, staggering lurch for zombies.