Shotgun wedding

Yesterday, a Kentucky couple visiting Louisville ran into some intimidating-looking dudes asking them what’s in their pockets. But instead of having her ring stolen, the man’s girlfriend received one. Set up entirely by her boyfriend, the men began to sing a capella and helped him pull off the perfect crime of stealing his girlfriend’s heart in the spirit of April Fool’s. They’re lucky the only thing that popped was the question.

Rolling in the keep

Two weeks ago in Ann Arbor, Michigan, a felon offered a musical apology inspired by Adele’s “Hello” before being sentenced to 17 years in prison for unlawful imprisonment and carrying a concealed weapon. “Hello, there, your honor,” Brian Earl Taylor sang, before saying goodbye. “I want to say I’m sorry for the things I’ve done and I’ll try and be stronger in this life I chose.” The judge said Taylor was “obviously a talented young man,” and Taylor is still hoping it’s all water under the bridge. It looks like he’ll be rolling in the keep till 2033, but rumor has it, he might still get probation down the line.

Feel the Burn

While we wait around for universal healthcare, Bernie Sanders’ campaign just got a little more fiery. The AIDS Healthcare Foundation unveiled four billboards around Los Angeles reading “Feel the Burn” and advertising a link to FreeSTDcheck.org where LA residents can search for STD screening locations nearest to them. Sanders certainly isn’t a crotchety old man, so this type of advertising would’ve made more sense during the Clinton presidency.

Beware busting rhymes

Police in Charlton, Massachusetts, are warning residents to be on the lookout for men challenging passersby to rap battles. Three teenage boys said a group of men hopped out of a black SUV and asked them if they wanted to “spit some bars.” Their palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Mom’s spaghetti.

A dog without a bong

Miley, a black lab from Mississippi, is the real reason you teach your dog to fetch, and the retriever we all need. After Miley’s owner took her out for a bathroom outing, what she brought back was better than the normal stinky surprise — $1,000 worth of marijuana.