Shark bait

While fishing in New Zealand, an unsuspecting doctor received a biting surprise when a shark chomped onto his leg. James Grant, 24, had just waded into the water when the shark sprang its attack. In reaction, Grant began stabbing the shark with a diving knife until it let go. Grant immediately limped onto shore, procured a needle and thread from his first aid kit and began stitching himself up. Instead of seeking medical attention afterwards, Grant’s friends took him out for a beer. We can probably bet the last thing he wanted was a Landshark, though.

Now showing: “The Magic Toot”

Professional opera singer Amy Herbst has been forced to give up her job because of issues with gas. The mezzo soprano claims that an operation she endured during childbirth has left her unable to control her flatulence as she sings. A doctor has told Herbst that even corrective surgery may not be able to fix her problem. Herbst was billed to perform in a production of “Madame Butterfly” with the Nashville Opera Company when her problem was addressed. All we know is that it’s not over until the flatulent lady sings.

Get that baby back

Drivers on a southern California highway were able to witness a barbeque of epic proportions when a semi truck carrying 76,000 pounds of beef ribs caught on fire. The fire shut down the highway for more than two hours as firefighters worked to extinguish the blaze. We’re sure the people at the truck’s destination are now asking, “Where’s the beef?”

WMD: Weapons of moo destruction

High levels of methane gas caused a farm shed to explode on a German dairy farm earlier this week. The source of the methane? Flatulent cows. Large amounts of methane had built up inside the shed from the cows and ignited from a static electric charge. The explosion damaged the roof and injured one of the cows. Hopefully cows will be added to the United Nations’ banned weapons list as soon as possible.

Captain underpants

A 73-year-old man in Florida was arrested for robbing a bank while wearing underwear on his head. John Dougherty had just gambled away all his money betting on horses and Texas Hold ‘em games when he decided to commit the crime. He walked into the bank wearing underwear across his face and demanded money from a teller. Dougherty was taken into custody after deputies tracked down a detection device hidden among the money. Perhaps Dougherty would have had better luck if he had bet on a horse called “Fruit of the Loom.”