Someone is going to have to explain something to me.

Why is it that when men of our… Someone is going to have to explain something to me.

Why is it that when men of our generation grow any hair, they immediately shave it off? Apparently young men of the new millennium are so affected by Abercrombie ads that they won’t go outside without a bare chest and a swooping haircut.

The only reason this bothers me is that I’ve longed for a full chest of hair for years now. I’ve tried all sorts of things to get thicker chest hair. I’ve washed dishes. I’ve worked on a car. I’ve done yard work. But nothing seems to help. So when I see what should be a well-endowed chest with a five o’clock shadow, it just makes me sad.

To me, these guys might as well shave off the very thing that makes them men.

Granted, this is jealousy. Who knows? If I were lucky enough to have a jungle of fur on my chest I might want to shave it off as well. But this is a deeper issue about our interpretation of manliness in society. Manliness has been many things to many people over the years. But now, with each passing year, real manliness has taken a back seat to a false, MTV manliness that is hurting our culture.

Let me explain.

Hollywood before the ’60s has some of the best examples of real men. Every film noir, for example, has a rough ‘n’ tough city guy trying to make it in the twisted world alone. He is a lone wolf. He is a heartbreaker. He knows how to love but knows that love in this town is just not possible.

There is something else notable about this hero: He isn’t buff.

Manliness today is centered on protein shakes and rippling muscles. Was Humphrey Bogart a ‘roid-raging muscle man? I have no idea because he was always covering his body with trench coats manlier than any biceps. This guy epitomizes manliness, and he was only 4 feet tall.

Cary Grant. James Stewart. All of these old actors are models for real manliness. Younger men can learn something from them.

But getting back to chest hair for a moment. Think about the character James Bond. Think about the actors who have played him. Sean Connery had plenty of chest hair. Now we have Daniel Craig. What went wrong?

Moustaches are another area that worries me. Most young men are too afraid to grow a moustache, whether it is the Fu Manchu or Handlebar.

I remember the last time I looked through my father’s high school yearbook. Every single guy in the book had a thick moustache. They all looked like they were 30. In my yearbook everyone looks like children. That moustache is the key difference.

Physical appearance is not the only thing that men have softened on in our generation. How many of us have the skills and abilities that our fathers and grandfathers had? They knew how to build a house with their bare hands. They could take a car engine apart and rebuild it without directions.

I had problems with Legos.

The only thing I can do is build a deck. And I’d need to Google directions first. Then I’d have to hire people to do the hammering and to move the wood around. I’d still be there. I’d sort of be supervising.

My knowledge of cars and car parts is also suffering. I can check my oil and change tires. Beyond that, I’m going to need a Pep Boys.

Perhaps this is nothing to worry about. Perhaps this is just a stage. I see hope in recent Old Spice commercials. It is promoting a manliness that is quickly going extinct. Despite this, I am not happy about its false advertising — I put the stuff all over my chest and only sprouted peach fuzz. My moustache concerns were also addressed in a recent documentary about a man trying to bring back the ‘stache.

Nevertheless, this is just a seed of a movement that will hopefully root itself firmly in the culture of young men in the United States. Our economy is too shaky and our national security is too troublesome for us to be a society of naked rodents who don’t know how to build cars.

This will be tough. Men will have to look in the mirror and accept the fact that their chest is not a baby’s bottom. Personally, I will have to start with Legos and work my way to a birdhouse. From there, I will teach myself to build a house. I will post a sign on the door of this house that says, ‘Real Men Only.’ People will come to the door and say a password.

I will then be thrown out of my own club because I don’t have enough chest hair.

Put some hair on your chest by e-mailing Josh at [email protected].