Bateman: How to be successful

By Oliver Bateman

One of the toughest things to become in life is a success. One of the toughest things to become in life is a success. When you think of successful people, what names come to mind? Kim Kardashian, Donald Trump, Larry the Cable Guy, Randy from “American Idol,” Dale Earnhardt and Yasmine Bleeth, to name a few. There might be others, but this list will suffice for now. What do these people all have in common, aside from the fact that they’re so successful? We have absolutely no idea, but that won’t stop us from telling you how to succeed.

First, you need to be aware of the fact that most people are total failures. Even people who are occasionally successful fail a good part of the time. We recall hearing some old wives’ tales about how Babe Ruth struck out every single time he didn’t hit a home run and how “Honest” Abe Lincoln never won so much as a game of video poker until he captured the presidency in 1860 with a plurality of the vote. In other words, don’t feel too bad if you fail, because you probably will.

Now that we’ve got those preliminaries out of the way, it’s time to commence a rung-by-rung climb up the ladder of success. The first step to becoming a success is thinking successful thoughts. Unless you approach your life with a successful mindset, you won’t have a snowball’s chance of harnessing your inner gr9ness. Here’s an example of how adopting such a mindset can change the course of your existence:

You: Look, I’m not going to accept that F. I clearly wrote an A+ paper, and that’s what you’re going to give me.

Your Professor: This is just a copy of a Wikipedia article with your name written in pen at the top.

You: You’re making the mistake of a lifetime, bro. I’m a big success, and you better not forget it.

Your Professor: Get out of my office!

See that? There’s a person who refused to give in, even when the odds were at their longest. He just stayed true to his successful self and wound up right back where he started: on top. Of course, if you’re genuinely successful, you’ll never be anywhere but at the top. Nor will you take anything short of a “hellz yes!” for an answer:

u: hey dude why don’t you come over tonite n we can rock out

urfriend: nah dawg I gots some stuff 2 do

u: sorry man but I don’t take no for an answer

Your friend tried to weasel out of his obligation, but you stopped him dead in his tracks — you’re a success, and you’ll never kowtow to the likes of him. He’ll be over there rocking out a game of flip cup before you can say “Snowpocalypse ’09.”

Another aspect of being successful is having a “thing.” Recall the list presented earlier. Randy of “American Idol” fame is best known for calling contestants his “dawgs.” Larry the Cable Guy wears sleeveless flannels and urges his fans to “get ’er done.” Kim Kardashian is Kim Kardashian. What do you bring to the table, friends? If the answer is “nothing,” you’d better figure out something tout de suite! Try these possibilities on for size:

a) The “Yo Mama” person. You never fail to find a way to tell incongruous “yo mama” jokes:

Your Professor: Who won the election of 1860?

You: Yo mama’s so fat there’s a bunch of dirty pictures of her on X-rated Big Beautiful Women (“BBW”) websites.

Your Professor: Please leave the room.

b) The “Donovan McNabb Eagles No. 5 Jersey” person. You’re never seen without your trademark Donovan McNabb Eagles jersey:

Your friend: Brahski, that guy got traded off the Eagles years ago! Why are you still wearing that tired old jersey? It’s got holes in it, and it smells like a dirty gym sock.

You: I know, right? That’s my thing.

c) The “Internet first” person. There isn’t a single video or article on the entire Internet that you haven’t laid your beautiful blue eyes on hours before anyone else:

urfriend: bro u seen this one killer blake griffin dunk that happened six seconds ago?

u: dude I already made an animated .gif mocking all the people who were mocking the people who were mocking the people who first uploaded it. and that was yesterday.

However, even with the right mindset and an unmistakable “thing,” there are no guarantees that you’ll succeed. If you do, though, it’ll probably happen overnight and carry you from rags to riches. It’ll be due to 130 percent perspiration and 18.5 percent inspiration. It won’t just be the only thing; it’ll be everything.

And remember: There’s nothing stopping you from becoming a success except for failure. That’s one to grow on, true believers.

The Moustache Advising Service of America is the place to go if you’re trying to pick up the pieces of your so-called life. If you’re looking to eat/pray/love, or maybe just to get kissed, get wild and get over it, email us at [email protected], or click your way over to We’ll be glad you did.