Humor | Summer quarantine bucket list

By Alex Dolinger, Staff Columnist

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After finals week is over, most of us are facing at least four months of nothing, due to the fact that most internships, study abroad prospects and several job opportunities have been cancelled. Whatever will we do with all this extra free time?

Without classes to occupy your time, there’s all kinds of super exciting things to do when you’re stuck inside your house and nothing is open. Fear not, my friends, for I have gathered a list of activities that can still make this the summer of our dreams.

  1. Read a book for fun

Every college student I know says that they wish they could read books for fun but can’t because of all the books they have to read for class — that they still don’t read. Now, you have a whole mess of time to read all the books you want. You may be forced to confront the fact that you don’t actually like to read for fun. Maybe the last time you read for fun was when you were reading “The Hunger Games” in middle school, and maybe you’re still chasing that high. Now is time to find out.

  1. Watch even more Netflix

This summer is the perfect time to watch everything you have ever wanted to watch. It’s time to watch “Tiger King.” It’s time to watch “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before.” Maybe watch all of the crime shows you’ve ever been remotely interested in and marvel at how bad the shows get when they reach the point of almost getting cancelled. I’ve started watching “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and counting all the vampires. I haven’t even finished season one yet, and I’ve counted 20 vampires. I can’t wait for more vampires.

  1. Walk places

The other day, I drove my car to a different neighborhood just for a change of goddamn scenery, and I loved every second of it. When you think about it, you can achieve the same thing by taking walks. You can truly take a walk anywhere you want. It’s magical. I think we’re all looking for a sense of novelty in life, and taking a walk in a new place is about as novel as we’re getting right now. You could maybe even ride a bike. The possibilities are endless.

  1. Alphabetize your CDs

I do not own any CDs, so I alphabetized my parents’. I’m sure many of you don’t have CDs either. This was a stupid suggestion. I don’t know why I thought it would be funny. It’s just hard to come up with 10 good things to do when you’re stuck inside all summer. I’m so sorry.

  1. Create a playlist

Hone your vibes this summer by creating oddly specific playlists. For example, I am currently working on three playlists that are meant to capture the beginning, intermediate and advanced phases of lesbian music. I’m not going to explain. I’m also making a playlist that I feel encapsulates what it feels like to run through a giant field. It takes a long time to curate these playlists, so it’s the perfect activity to keep you from losing it this summer. You can make a playlist about what it feels like to be trapped in your house. You can make another one about how it feels to go on a walk when you’re really sad. 

  1. Get back into dubstep

Speaking of music, now is the perfect time to relive the glory days and start ingesting some underappreciated content. There was a time when you were super into dubstep. Please do not pretend that time didn’t exist. I have found a lot of joy in listening to this very angry genre of music because I am very angry. Next time you’re going on a walk, shuffle some Skrillex and bask in how weird it feels to listen to this music that makes no sense. We’re already surrounded by confusion. Have some more.

  1. Start a podcast

There’s nothing that says “I am a burden on my friends and family” like starting a podcast. However, I still want you to do it. In fact, I think now is the perfect time to start a podcast. You can interrupt your Facebook news feed that’s full of coronavirus news by posting the link to your podcast and telling people to watch it. You’d be doing a great service to your loved ones. Now, instead of being completely depressed about coronavirus news, they can sit in their living rooms and make fun of you for starting a podcast. It’s heroic.

  1. Make bread

This is another activity that is a service to your friends and family, both virtually and in person. The members of your household get to enjoy delicious bread, which is always exciting. It’s especially great of you to make your house smell like bread as well. And — even better — you get to post your bread on social media. Every one of your friends and followers will know that you’ve finally lost your mind, and they will check in with you, and it’ll feel great. Plus, you have bread.

  1. Make Pinterest crafts

When you’re stuck in your house all day, you will eventually succumb to the Pinterest mom energy that lurks inside of every house, waiting to pull in a victim. Fill your days with painting canvases with that loopy, sorority girl font. Maybe take up crocheting and make yourself a blanket to disappear under when the world becomes too much. Start making fancy lunchbox spreads for kids you don’t have. Give in to Pinterest. 

  1. Cut your own bangs

The world is having one collective mental breakdown, and it’s time to start acting like it. Cutting your bangs is easy and honestly? It’s electrifying. The best part of cutting your bangs during quarantine is that you don’t have to see anyone, so if — or when — they look awful, they should be grown out by the time you have to become a functioning member of society again. I used to cut my own bangs while kneeling on the floor over a trash can. While that’s definitely what rock bottom looks like, I encourage it. 

Alex Dolinger is a junior theatre arts major with a creative writing minor. They write primarily satire. You can reach them at [email protected].