Bateman: Even you can make a comeback

By Oliver Bateman

If there’s one thing that the recent elevation of a homeless man to the position of radio… If there’s one thing that the recent elevation of a homeless man to the position of radio announcer for the Cleveland Cavaliers proves, it’s that the war against poverty has finally been won. If there’s a second thing that this proves, it’s that Americans are more in love with comebacks than ever before.

Look around and you’ll see hundreds of people who have triumphed in spite of impossible odds. Remember erstwhile felon Michael Vick? Now that speedster, who once had thousands of animal lovers breathing down his neck, is the gridiron champion of the hated Philadelphia Eagles. Those record-setting numbers of his are proof that he’s back on track to becoming the fantasy football studmuffin he almost was and still could be.

Way down south, the Miami Heat’s prodigiously talented “Big Three” of “King” LeBron James, Dwyane “Flash” Wade and Chris “CB4” Bosh started slow, triggering a slew of jeremiads from sportswriters who have never had so much as shot a free throw. After a rousing pep talk from head coach Erik Spoelstra, though, these three hyper-talented hoopsters set out on a winning streak the likes of which even the slammingest of the NBA’s dunkers had never seen. Are we calling it a comeback? You better believe it, true believers!Long a haven for billionaires and well-coiffed Southern gentlemen, the Republican Party embraced its lunatic fringe and enjoyed a thrilling comeback of its own. With the strong support of an energized base that wishes to end government as we know it while nevertheless preserving whatever entitlements they’ve got coming to them, the GOP swept dozens of out-of-touch “tax-and-spendocrats” from office. Dealt a crushing blow, the Democrats now stand poised for their amazing comeback as soon as they can motivate that same directionless base of angry people to toss out the new class of bums.

At this point, you’re probably wondering how you can get in on some of this sweet comeback action. As always, we have the answers and are more than happy to share.

First of all, you’re going to need to take a great fall. As evidenced by the universal scorn heaped upon prettyboy quarterback Peyton Manning, people just can’t bring themselves to get behind anybody who starts on top and stays there. No, you’re going to have to drop to the bottom and then work your way back up in some kind of impressive fashion. We’ll leave it to you to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t on that score.

After you’ve returned to the top, you must milk your 15 minutes of fame for all that they’re worth. Even if you haven’t learned anything from your ordeal, you would be wise to gush about how you’ve matured and developed a new respect for yourself. People, especially Oprah, love hearing that sort of stuff.

Once you’re firmly in the spotlight, you should either try to keep ascending or make plans for yet another fall and rise. Although you might think that a single rebirth is all the public can handle, the careers of seemingly ineradicable celebrities like Cher, John Tesh and Geraldo Rivera ought to cause you to think otherwise. The key here is to not do anything so egregious that you can’t come back, à la the gone and completely forgotten former Sen. John Edwards.

The big problem with all this coming back stuff is that, unlike an Introduction to Psychology course or Call of Duty 3, it requires that you do actual work. However, if you’re willing to take a risk, there is a good way around that — you can simply make up the tragic event from which you’re rebounding.

Noted author James Frey, who is way richer than we are, did this and even managed to fool the legendary Oprah in the process. His story, which didn’t make a bit of sense, managed to lift the hearts of millions of people who are undoubtedly still anticipating comebacks of their own.

Whether you’re visiting a neighborhood that’s being gentrified or watching a former movie star try to jumpstart his or her ailing career through a guest appearance on a sitcom, you can’t deny the power of the comeback. The best way to get started is by starting over, so focus on making 2011 the year that you beat all of the odds and begin working on the evens.

Oliver Bateman and his friends at the award-winning Moustache Club of America have come back so many times that nobody even notices when they leave. You can check out all of their uplifting tales of come-from-behind miracles at