Editor’s note: This piece is satirical poetry.

All schools should stop teaching health and biology, 

It’s been taught for decades but now its against my ideology, 

I am a blue collar worker who’s gone from nine to five, 

There’s no time to cook or clean, but hey, my child’s alive, 

I’m sure I’ll find an hour to teach them everything I know, 

Okay, it’ll be 10 minutes since I don’t have much to show, 

I tend to judge the houseless and claim people are uneducated, 

But I also underpay teachers and dictate which books are related, 

Sure, kids have technology and media at their disposal, 

But I say they’re more vulnerable in school being social,

Americans should have the right to arm their body,

But women up in arms defending theirs is a lobby,

I say a woman looks like this and a man looks like that, 

But when a trans person conforms I call ‘em a “democrat,”

They really thought their agenda would go over my head, 

But I know there’s a gay boogie monster under my bed,

I want my kids living happily in their little bubble,

That way they’ll be prepared if they’re ever in trouble,

How can I win the best parent award? 

Oh I know, I’ll protest the school district board.