Bateman: Want Armani suits? Go to law school

By Oliver Bateman

After you’ve been in college for a long time, you’ll probably decide you want to spend a few… After you’ve been in college for a long time, you’ll probably decide you want to spend a few more years there. Times are tough out in the real world, and the prospect of continued late-night pizza, free gym access and Thirsty Thursdays has an obvious appeal. If you can’t land that coveted spot on an MTV reality show, graduate school might be the place for you.

One of the best things about graduate school is that you can study any old subject you please as long as you’re willing to take out lots of loans. If you enjoy popular shows like “Judging Amy” or “Ally McBeal,” law school should be right up your alley. You’ll learn all kinds of neat things about the legal system, such as how to get a witness to confess on the stand while uncovering a government conspiracy. Since all lawyers wear Armani suits and earn well over $1 million per year, law school is a really safe bet.

Business school is a great place for all you go-getters and try-harders. Former president Calvin Coolidge once remarked that “the business of America is business,” and who can argue with that? In business school, you’ll have a chance to learn about networking, synergy, proactivity, success and the many other skills you’ll need to dupe your fellow citizens into buying whatever new-and-improved breakfast cola your company sells. If you like shaking hands, maintaining your day planner and checking e-mail on your smartphone, you should definitely consider getting an MBA.

Social work and education are good fields if you’re interested in helping the less fortunate. Helping the less fortunate is something that the American middle class claims it has been doing for the past 100 years, so those of you choosing one of these options will be part of a rich tradition. These programs are wise choices if you’re a starry-eyed idealist who is in need of a quick dose of reality that will transform you into a flint-eyed cynic. They’re also composed primarily of single ladies, so you swinging dudes should think about firing off some applications before pinning your hopes on riskier propositions like and “The Bachelor.”

Medical school is considered by most experts to be the queen of the professional schools. This is where the big brains go, and they have nothing but good things to say about it. Although it takes nearly 15 years of sleep deprivation to become a doctor, this is a glamorous profession dominated by some of the best celebrities in the country. Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil and Dr. Gregory House are just a few of the legendary doctors to come down the pipeline in the last decade. Could you be next?

If you’re really against greed, selling out and other nasty things that grown-ups love, you should enroll in a Ph.D. program in the liberal arts. These programs, which can take over 40 years to complete, are a cheap way to warehouse America’s laziest young people. Ph.D.s are offered in a variety of subjects, and quite often the schools you’re applying to will pay you a starvation wage if you agree to teach their younger, even lazier undergraduates.

The best Ph.D. programs are the ones that have the word “studies” in their titles. When you see “studies” at the end of some department name, like Robot Studies or Meso-Pennsylvania Studies, you can rest assured that studying is the last thing you’ll be doing if you’re admitted. Instead, you’ll focus on theory, which is kind of like knowledge for people who love buzzwords but don’t want to read anything. Ten or 15 years in a studies program might not earn you enough jack to buy a house fit for “MTV Cribs” or even a house large enough to contain a baby’s crib, but you will leave knowing a phallocentric, Other-ized aporia when you see one.

Once you decide on the program of your dreams, you’re going to need to write the personal statement of a lifetime. That’s where the Moustache Column of America comes in, and that’s why this column is a two-parter.

Next week, we’ll talk about the killer themes — dead parents, an abusive childhood, overcoming a trendy disability, finding yourself while vacationing in India or any other story you made up after reading one of the selections in Oprah’s book club — and awesome quotes that are guaranteed to knock the socks off those jaded admissions officers. Stay tuned, true believers!

The Moustache Advising Service of America is the place to go if you’re trying to pick up the pieces of your so-called life. If you’re looking to eat/pray/love, or maybe just to get kissed, get wild and get over it, click your way over to We’ll be glad you did.