When was the last time you talked about sex?
That’s a pretty broad question, so I’ll adjust. When was the last time you talked about your genitals? Sexual needs? A good old blow job? Fears about penetration? Your sexuality? A funny story about a bad hookup? How to put a condom on right? When was the last time you had these conversations unabashedly? Without cloaking something in euphemism, hiding it in a joke or turning red with embarrassment?
Maybe for some of you, it was last night, and maybe for others, you’ve never had a conversation like that. People of all ages struggle with shame and embarrassment talking about anything related to sex, from p-in-v penetration to masturbation. For women, even aspects of our bodies and health that aren’t sexual, like periods, are still associated with this same embarrassment.
Sexual shame has far too many real-world consequences. Fewer than 26% of couples experiencing sexual health issues feel like they can be open about their sex lives with each other. Imagine how many people are battling insecurities that are completely normal, but they feel entirely isolated without any way to talk about it with others. The shame and embarrassment associated with talking about sex — especially sexual problems — is keeping people from having better sexual experiences and feeling less alone.
But “talking about sex” doesn’t just mean telling your friend that you’re afraid you can’t get an erection. In fact, discussing sex and sexuality is a wide-reaching concept that includes how we introduce these topics to kids and teens. Many of us had “the talk” with our parents, but that may have been as vague as the birds and the bees analogy. Others grew up in homes that never talked about sex at all, leaving kids to figure it out in health class, or worse — on the internet.
Even when schools do teach sexual education, mandates on what must be included vary wildly from state to state. 37 states demand that abstinence is included, while only 13 states require that the information taught in sex ed courses be medically accurate. So relying on schools to give children a solid foundation of sexual knowledge is only inviting misinformation. Now, with the World Wide Web available to anyone with an internet connection, many children and young people are getting most of their information on sex from pornography — which often depicts a dramatized, rough or even dangerous image of intercourse.
In addition, giving children a proper education on sex and accurate terminology at a young age can help them develop the vocabulary to recognize and report any abuse they may face. It is inevitable that young people will encounter sex and sexuality, and having open, shameless, informative conversations about it will ensure that they are safe from exploitation and practice safe sex.
Knowledge is more important now than ever before as the current administration aims to restrict information on queer and trans people. A lot of important details on marginalized communities are being passed off as unnecessary or too sexual, especially with education on queer people in schools. Thus, maintaining a dedication to open conversations on “taboo” topics ensures we don’t lose valuable information on ourselves and others.
Perhaps you’ve heard the recent take that gossip is actually a means of protecting women. In this vein, discussing sex and sexual experiences with your friends can also protect your community. Maybe some guy gave you chlamydia, or some girl didn’t discuss boundaries before putting you in BDSM situations. Sharing these experiences with people in your circles can also protect them from the same misfortune. Instead of being embarrassed, feel empowered that the information you’ve gained can keep your friends from visiting the clinic.
While discussing sex and sexuality is important for keeping us safe and informed, it’s not just to protect us from bad things. It can also just improve our sexual experiences. Swapping tips and tricks makes things more fun for everyone. It’s not all intuitive. If I meet someone claiming they were immediately a fellatio or cunnilingus god, I won’t hesitate to call them on their BS. We shouldn’t be embarrassed to not instantly know the perfect ways to please our partner.
Beyond general strategy, the only way to truly know how to satisfy your lover is to talk with them. Far too many couples just won’t discuss the sex they’re having. They’re too embarrassed to ask for something they’re interested in or point out to their partner that they’re actually rubbing an inch or two north of the clit. Even if having these exchanges during sex is too awkward, I highly recommend checking in with each other after each experience. Even if it’s just asking, “What worked for you?” This is the first step towards growing and having more pleasurable intimacy together.
Without fail, after every conversation I’ve had with friends or partners about sex, masturbation, our bodies, et cetera, I feel more empowered and less alone. Shame seeks to destroy our joy and connection with others, and the first step towards building safer, more accepting communities is pushing ourselves past the urge to be silent. When power structures are built on us hating ourselves and remaining uninformed, sometimes the greatest rebellion is sitting down with your roommates and opening a dialogue about the penetrability of your vagina.
Brynn Murawski felt like Carrie Bradshaw writing this column. She can be contacted at bmm185@pitt.edu
