Don’t have sex on the first date. Wait three months to say “I love you.” You should be labeled after a month. Don’t have sex till marriage. Don’t get with someone else until two months after a breakup. Why haven’t you had sex yet? Is he your boyfriend? You said “I love you” before dating? You’re living together already? Aren’t you worried you’re doing it wrong? 

If you asked a diverse group of people what they think the correct timeline is for a relationship, they’d all give you a different answer. Television shows like “Friends,” “Sex and the City” and “How I Met Your Mother” devote entire episodes to unpacking whether people should have sex on the first date or when’s the right time to say “I love you.” This Valentine’s Day, lovers all across the globe will find themself facing these conundrums.

I know a couple that was writing each other love letters before they were even technically dating and a couple that spent four months in the “talking stage.” One of my coworkers confessed her feelings for her current boyfriend two weeks after breaking up with someone else and three of my friends have been part of couples that started dating, then broke up, then got back together. 

In one of my lectures last year, a classmate excitedly squealed with her friends, showing off an engagement ring. Aren’t we too young? And why do so many people start dating right before they’re about to be living hours apart? Even if you only focus on the topic of “losing your virginity,” I know multiple girls who just wanted to get it over with and had uncomfortable sex with people they barely knew. Then, on the flip side, I know people who waited months to have sex just to get dumped the next day anyway!

So is there a perfect timeline out there that we can all dutifully follow to achieve the ideal relationship? A mathematical breakdown to protect our hearts? Or are we destined to continue stumbling around blindly and hoping our choices don’t blow up in our faces?  

First, let’s tackle the emotional aspect of all this. Lately, I’ve seen an influx of online conversations about “love bombing,” which is a serious concern for many. But I’ve also seen people calling any early affection that’s a little more intense than the “norm” love bombing. Is this really fair? Maybe, sometimes, you just click with someone quickly. If you both truly feel deep affection for each other, why not express it? As long as everyone’s practicing honest communication and working to better themselves, then there’s not going to be a difference between professing your love to each other when you first feel it versus sitting on it for three months out of fear of being wrong. 

And of course, sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we think we love someone only to 

realize it was flattery, or we imagine a future together just to be faced with an inescapable incompatibility. Usually, we see all these rules and limits as protection from winding up brokenhearted, but what if it’s just ensuring our inevitable hurt? 

I mean, even if you do follow all of the perfect rules, wait three months on the dot to say the magic words and follow every other timeline, it doesn’t guarantee you won’t end up alone again. Then you’re left feeling like it must’ve been a personal failure. And if you don’t follow the rules properly and things blow up in your face, then you’ll just be angry at yourself for your lack of restraint. There’s no winning. 

And what about physical intimacy? It can feel like people are either criticizing you for not having lost your virginity yet or they’re delivering a sermon on the eternal damnation you’ll face for looking at someone you’re attracted to before marriage. Women seeking relationships with men especially are warned of the minefield ahead. Don’t have sex on the first date, or he won’t take you seriously. If you’re 20 and haven’t had sex yet, no one will take you seriously. Girls that give blowjobs have no self-respect. If you’re not pleasing your man properly, he’ll leave you. Well, maybe just wait until you’re sure you really love him. 

All of these rules and expectations are maddening, and once again, instead of protecting us, they drive us to make worse choices. How many people have had sex before they’re ready because they fear their partner will leave them if they wait too long? And how many others have kept themselves from enjoyable sexual experiences because they don’t want to move too fast? 

There are a ton of factors that go into deciding to move forward with physical intimacy, and they vary depending on the person. What’s most important is ensuring that you’re safe from STDs and unwanted pregnancy and that you’re mentally prepared for whatever sex means to you. You should be doing it because you truly want to share that experience with someone.

I was at a party once where I ended up talking to a girl I barely knew for hours about our past relationships. She told me how with her ex, it felt like the timing was never right. They started dating mere months before going off to different colleges, and they had sex for the first time literally days before she got on a plane. Her friends exchanged glances when they heard that he said he loved her after two weeks, and in the end, the relationship didn’t work out. 

What I remember most from this conversation, though, was that despite knowing now she’d make different choices, she wasn’t riddled with regret. She didn’t regret having sex with him, she didn’t regret exchanging “I love you”s. Even with her friends sharing their concerns over timing, nothing would’ve changed her mind in the moment on the choices she made.
We’re all inevitably going to mess up, to rush one thing and drag out another. But messing up is crucial to learning what we really want. To find the perfect timeline for ourselves and our relationships, we must trust ourselves deeply and be willing to make a couple mistakes.