As the decade came to a close, every major publication ran some sort of retrospective, crowning… As the decade came to a close, every major publication ran some sort of retrospective, crowning the best athletes and reminiscing about that one time we found out about the tuck rule.

But thanks to the holiday break, the Pitt News sports staff largely abstained from traveling down the flashback-clogged, video montage-plugged pipe. Now, almost two weeks into the new decade, it’s too late for some Aaron Gray nostalgia. It’s never too early, though, for some Roaring Teens prognostication.

Bold Predictions

Wes Welker’s unfortunate knee injury will take the practice of resting players to baffling new heights. Bill Belichick will still start Tom Brady, but he will be told to “run around in circles” and free kick the ball at the sign of any pressure. The resulting play, which Chris Collinsworth will call “the single greatest football innovation since the wireless headset,” will quickly be adopted by most of the conference. Belichick will refer to it as “Tornado Spin Red” because it sounds cool.

The Indianapolis Colts will begin another season 14-0. Leading the San Francisco 49ers, 17-16, with three minutes to go, Peyton Manning will kneel in his own endzone for an intentional safety, stating it’s not about personal achievements. The next game, Manning will throw to Dallas Clark seven times to ensure a 100-catch season for the tight end, stating he’s proud of the personal achievement.

Chad Ochocinco will lose a friendly playoff wager to Darrelle Revis and be forced to change his name to Chad Dos-Recepciones.

Pete Carroll will promptly accept the head coaching position of the Seattle Seahawks and be shocked to learn Edgerrin James is still on an active roster. He will even more promptly regret his decision.

Charlie Weis will claim co-credit for the Tornado Spin Red.

In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates will attempt to sign Albert Pujols to a record contract, but a clerical error will cause them to accidentally sign Norbert Pujols, a 23-year-old nursing student. The Pirates, in an attempt to maximize their investment, will grant him a permanent spot in The Great Pierogi Race as Sauerkraut Saul. He will rarely win.

In golf, Tiger Woods will return to the PGA Tour. Television ratings will receive an initial boost, but they will quickly dwindle when viewers tire of the unintended double entendres the commentators make when Woods drives one into the rough, patches a divot or does just about anything.

The St. Louis Rams will draft Ndamukong Suh, trade for Adewale Ogunleye and coax Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila out of retirement. That evening, the name that will perplex ESPN’s Hannah Storm the most will be that of Atlanta Thrashers winger Ilya Kovalchuk.

The Tornado Spin Red will go out of style when Jim Zorn runs it.

Over/Under

Seasons for Brett Favre: 5 — over. One with the Dolphins, one with the Redskins, let’s say two with the Chiefs, another with the Redskins, one with the Argonauts, 10 games back with the Packers and then one more with the Redskins.

Stanley Cup Finals losses for Marian Hossa: 1.5 — over. With the Chicago Blackhawks leading the league in points halfway through the season, Hossa’s primed for another deep and ultimately disappointing playoff run, and it’s only the first year of the ’10s.

Seasons away from a Pirates playoff run: 3.5 — under. Two. It’s a perpetual two, but it’s two. Their prospects will really come through just in time for free agency.

Wins for the Detroit Lions: 43 — over. The Lions won 43 games last decade. You have to think they’ll win at least 50 this one.

Ben Roethlisberger concussions: 7.5 — under. Roethlisberger suffered the fourth documented concussion of his career this past November. Somebody will teach him this offseason to throw the ball away.

Labor stoppages: 1.5 — over. An NFL lockout in 2011 is possible if not probable, and Sports Illustrated reported that an NBA work stoppage is possible that year, too. Prepare yourself for staggering new levels of poker on ESPN. Baseball probably should get around to installing a salary cap one of these years, too.

U.S. World Cup victories: 7 — over. The Americans should beat Slovenia and Algeria in group play this summer, and if the asymptotic Soccer Popularity in America Curve stays true, by 2018 the U.S. should be poised to make a run at the championship — just in time for an end-of-the-decade video montage.