Dear G-20 protesters,

Welcome to the City of Champions. As you might have heard from G-20… Dear G-20 protesters,

Welcome to the City of Champions. As you might have heard from G-20 Summit planners, Pittsburgh is one of the world’s most progressive cities — that surprised us, too.

We read in the Post-Gazette that many of you have yet to secure sleeping arrangements, even though the Summit was announced in May. It sounds like you could use a few tips to make your visit more successful:

We understand you are asking the city to set up makeshift, outdoor campgrounds for your organizations throughout Point State Park or Schenley Park. Instead, ask freshmen to sign you into their dorms.

They might find your counterculture image alluring and want to spend two nights discussing Che Guevara and Rage Against the Machine.

In case you haven’t heard, Pennsylvania is broke. Currently, we’re the only state in the nation without an approved budget. Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl is the only person who gets free stuff around here. Maybe he can score you some sweet Steelers tickets.

Pittsburgh doesn’t have a public urination law yet — though one could be voted on today — so you might not need bathrooms for your camps, anyway. Technically, though, a state law still punishes lewd conduct — a gamble you must decide whether to take.

Speaking of gambling, we have a new casino. If daddy needs a new pair of Doc Martens, play the slots and computer games. But you can’t play table games — they’re for sinners and West Virginians.

You must call cabs here; you can’t hail them. They don’t stop. It’s not because you look suspect. It’s just the rule, and it makes perfect sense.

If you’re hunting for semi-hot meals, look no further than Pitt’s own Market Central. Get those aforementioned freshmen to sign you in as a guest. Then, have some after-dinner downtime in the commuter lounge at Nordy’s Place. Chat about revolution and human rights with students taking Intro to Philosophy. Each is assuredly something of an expert.

If the tear gas starts to sting, tell Pitt you have swine flu. The University will probably send masks to you — and semi-hot meals — so long as you refrain from any human contact. City officials are already concerned that your encampments will degrade into “swine flu breeding grounds,” according to the Post-Gazette, so why not make the best of it?

All the good parties are hosted by the lumpenproles of South Oakland. BYOB. It’s like Pittsburgh’s version of Tijuana, where the bourgeois travels for taboo fun.

It’s cash only at Pamela’s Diner, the favorite Pittsburgh restaurant of President Obama. You might remember him from the effigies you’re burning.

You might have heard the rumors that Pittsburgh was only asked to host the G-20 after New York and Chicago declined. If it’s true, that is still OK. We’re much more hospitable — did you hear that free Anti-Flag vinyls are being handed out on the corner of Fifth and Forbes avenues?

We want you to come and protest. It’s your First Amendment right. However, just because it’s free speech doesn’t mean it’s easy.