If the Statue of Liberty could cry, there is no doubt she would shed a tear today for the… If the Statue of Liberty could cry, there is no doubt she would shed a tear today for the looming death of what must surely be the very essence of America, the most sacred emblem of capitalism and commercialism this fine country has to offer: the mini-mall.

According to The New York Times, mall vacancies are at their highest point in a decade. Anchor stores are being replaced with discounters, dollar stores and Big Lots, and some malls are even resorting to’ — gasp — gimmicks, like the oh-so-popular ‘Flowrider,’ a wave-making machine that allows for indoor surfing. As if the recession hadn’t done enough damage.

Listen, American malls have standards. It’s not like we’re in Canada — granted, Canada does have the largest shopping mall in North America (West Edmonton Mall in Edmonton, Alberta), but it’s probably filled with polar bears and socialized health care, and we don’t want any of that, thank you.

But it gets worse. According to the Times article, malls are so desperate that they might soon bring in grocery stores, medical facilities, dance studios and community colleges.

The idea of shopping in the same building that offers college courses? Absurd.

If someone had told me eight years ago — back when I was 11 and pretty much lived at the mall — that things would come to this, I would never have believed it.’

Perhaps the saddest record of the mini-mall’s sharp decline is chronicled by the Web site deadmalls.com. Created by self-proclaimed retail historians Peter Blackbird and Brian Florence, the site compiles information about every mall that died in the last nine years. It is a veritable mall cemetery. If you’re in the mood to have your day ruined, feel free to browse through its sickeningly morbid pages.

But the number of malls on deadmalls.com will only increase, with store owners reporting record-low sales.

‘Bad, bad, bad. Super bad. Crazy bad. This is the worst ever. Everybody’s bad … We barely pay rent,’ Jose Torres told the Chicago Tribune of his causal clothing business.

And according to bnet.com, a Web site devoted to industry trends, indicators point to the idea that the mini-mall has been dying for a long time — in part because of discount stores like Wal-Mart and Target. The site goes on to suggest that we the people are also to blame, particularly our fickle manner.

‘Studies indicate that core consumers are tired of the store and restaurant choices available in malls,’ wrote the site. Indeed, when I asked five random people standing around me how they felt about the mini-mall’s imminent destruction, none seemed to care. One even laughed a little — I think at me for suggesting such an absurdity.

It’s a tragedy. An American tragedy.

Not only has this recession taken Steven ‘amp; Barry’s from us, forced Circuit Citys across the country to close (I will always love you more than Best Buy!), but it has somehow brainwashed the American public into thinking they don’t even want things like $5 rides on those trains that run inside the mall during the holidays. Damn you, economy! Haven’t you taken enough?

I suppose I was fortunate to be raised under the shadow of a true commercialism aficionado: my older sister. She’s a self-proclaimed protector of Pittsburgh’s one true epicenter of enterprise and conformity, Monroeville, Pa., and the founder of the Facebook group ‘The Pittsburgh Commercialist Society,’ which now boasts nine actual members.

My sister, who can always be seen in some piece of clothing from The Gap, has taken upon herself the malls’ pain as her own.

‘The economic crisis has hit us where it hurts the hardest: suburbia. In this economic state, the jewels of commercialism, like Monroeville, are closing stores day after day, losing loyal patrons, accepting riffraff the likes of which have never entered upon the shores of capitalism before. Heed this warning: If the malls die, we all die,’ she told me over the phone.

So we ask for you all to join with us. Take your hard-earned dollars and make the holy pilgrimage to Monroeville — ‘the land of milk and honey and franchise,’ as the Pittsburgh Commercialist Society so aptly describes it –‘ and feed its malnourished stores, like a mother hen feeding its chick, before it’s too late.

Though it must be said, Monroeville Mall would never, ever resort to a gimmick (though make sure to check out its Zombie Museum, ‘Mall of the Dead’ — it’s totally awesome!).

Plan a shopping trip to Monroeville with Molly at [email protected].

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