I am not much of a foreign policy interventionist. However, recent world events have roused me… I am not much of a foreign policy interventionist. However, recent world events have roused me to demand international cooperation on a key issue: Somali pirates. If you haven’t heard, we are living in a new renaissance of piracy. Somalia is the only country in the world without a government, and a lot of stuff has to get shipped past Somalia’s coastline. Such a high shipping-to-government ratio makes Somalia a breeding ground for awesome pirates. They are always capturing boats, getting ransoms and then killing one another over the ransoms. The life expectancy of a Somali pirate is two ransoms. From nuclear weapons to polio to rogue states, the global community has come together in brilliant ways before to vanquish a common foe. Now, more than ever, with regard to the Somali pirate issue, it is urgent that they stop that completely. Without reserve and restraint, even a lightly armed nation-state could endanger the survival of these badass pirates, their badass escapades and the badass headlines about the pirates’ escapades. Here are some of the headlines we stand to lose: ‘Somali pirates drown with share of ransom’ ‘Somali pirates living the high life” ‘Pirate ‘mother ship’ left in flames’ ‘Somali pirates seize four ships on day U.N. passes plan’ Global leaders representing all continents and all peoples desperately need to sit down at the bargaining table and lay down some ground rules for fighting these pirates. Here are five recommendations: 1. If three people can’t carry it, the gun is too big to use against the Somali pirates. 2. Pro bono conflict resolution for Somali pirates dividing up ransoms. Sometimes a Somali pirate’s greatest enemy is his own bunkmate. If we are to get any sort of recurring characters or badboy sweethearts, or the types of daring midnight raids that only come with experience, the Somali pirates cannot die off so quickly. 3. Radar is illegal on pirate-hunting vessels. Sonar is allowed, but as a rule, the blips on the sonar screen must go away when the Somali pirates get very close. That way, sometimes when you think that a Somali pirate is right there in the darkness, it’s just your guide, Borealis, drunk and fishing in the only rescue boat, maybe making out with the female lieutenant everyone struck out with, but then the pirates really are there right behind him. Everyone has to be surprised when the blips go away, even though that’s how the screen is designed. 4. President-elect Barack Obama needs to appoint a Pirate Czar, necessarily a bumbling fool ‘mdash; rash and vainglorious. His assistant, ambitious and competent, but with no regard for human rights, is unable to swim ‘mdash; a flaw revealed in mission six of the first season of our campaign against the Somali pirates, when a cavalier Somali pirate rescues him from drowning. 5. The Somalia pirates’ children should be kidnapped and held by elite English commandos. This will foster conflict in the pirates’ hearts. They have to choose between the happy-go-lucky pirate life and adult responsibilities. The children should be privately educated in England and look down on their real fathers, but once in a while break ranks and steal important information for the Somali pirates. Why does this matter? From the end of the 19th century until earlier this year, our ocean habitats suffered from a lack of pirates. The sea-beast population collapsed, because pirates formed the base of their food chain. Dependent on pirates for pollination, whole islands of voluptuous maidens vanished. And all the while, ocean levels rose, terra-forming our vague and bulbous, sepia-toned coastlines into sharp outlines. Grave were the effects on young boys’ imaginations. The imagination system evolved for primitive environments inhabited by pirates, highwaymen, shamans, chupacabras, banshees, scalpers and Anasi the spider. It needs flexing. Now, under-stimulated and sluggish, young boys’ imaginations wither by age 12. They want to be district attorneys. They join middle school golf teams. They have resumes. And mark my words: The kids are all fat as hell because there are no pirates. The typical boy in 1905 burned 1600 calories per day pretending to be a pirate or a pirate hunter. I will stake my professional reputation on the claim that, if you leave out a paper that says, ‘Pirate ‘mother ship’ left in flames,’ your little fatties will lose 15 pounds freaking out on day one. It is for our children that the Somali pirates must always somehow, someway slip through our fingers. They might capture our oil, our AK-47s and our ransoms, but we will always be better off, as long as the Somali pirates are out there, somewhere, to capture our imaginations. E-mail Lewis at [email protected].