‘ ‘ ‘ Rock ‘n’ roll, ladies and gentlemen, is in critical condition. And its chances aren’t… ‘ ‘ ‘ Rock ‘n’ roll, ladies and gentlemen, is in critical condition. And its chances aren’t looking good. ‘ ‘ ‘ Was it a violent fall? No. A drug overdose? No, although that would be appropriate. Rather, rock ‘n’ roll attempted to off itself late last night after hearing the biggest abomination in years on the radio. It’s called ‘All Summer Long,’ and some character named Kid Rock sings it. And it is awful. ‘ ‘ ‘ In fact, it is so awful, that to listen to the song once through actually kills more brain cells than drinking an entire keg of beer by yourself in 10 minutes, then falling down several flights of stairs, rolling into the street and being hit by a bus. Are you willing to risk that? ‘ ‘ ‘ So please pray with me for the quick recovery of rock ‘n’ roll. And while we wait for a heartbeat to start up again, it is necessary to examine why ‘All Summer Long’ sucks so much ‘mdash; not just to needlessly bash the song and its worthless singer, but also to protect all of us from sharing a similar fate from which rock ‘n’ roll currently suffers. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘All Summer Long’ is a tune in which Kid Rock combines both Warren Zevon’s ‘Werewolves of London’ and Lynyrd Skynyrd’s ‘Sweet Home Alabama,’ then adds lyrics about drinkin’ and makin’ sweet love. But while both of those songs are inarguably classics, Kid Rock’s dual remake is less enjoyable than stapling your hand to an ornery tiger. However could this be? ‘ ‘ ‘ Well, I’ll tell you. ‘ ‘ ‘ Kid Rock’s song represents much of what is wrong with modern music ‘mdash; it is a black hole where originality and creativity should be. Now there is nothing wrong with digging through the past for inspiration. After all, without a basis to start from, where would music be? And, of course, there’ve been countless samples and remakes in popular music’s history. But that is not at all what Mr. Rock is doing. ‘ ‘ ‘ Rather, Kid Rock is taking two songs that, in their own time and even today, put forth a mood of lighthearted rebellion, of good times and fun and air guitar and summer barbecues and cheap beer and all the things that make a great party, then dumbing them down to the absolute lowest common denominator with silly lyrics and a fake-hillbilly twist. ‘ ‘ ‘ The whole act is just a part of Kid Rock’s undying desire to actually be Bob Seger, Bruce Springsteen or, hell, even John Mellencamp. In other words, Kid Rock wants to be an all-American classic rocker. The difference is, all those old boys actually meant it, while Kid Rock comes off as a Wal-Mart variety rip-off ‘mdash; it’s cheap quality, made for the sad, sad masses and about as genuine as the smile on a Wal-Mart employee hoping that no more customers ask where the adult diapers are. ‘ ‘ ‘ And Kid Rock knows this. Deep down, somewhere in that small, small brain of his are big, big dollars. He knows that by taking songs loved by the masses and sucking all the provocative, original appeal out of them (leaving only a familiar musical shell), thereby making it bland and unexciting ‘mdash; and, hence, accessible ‘mdash; he’d score big. And he has. The song was a huge summer hit among people who like terrible music. Way to shoot for the stars, Rock! ‘ ‘ ‘ Just take the chorus: ‘And we were trying different things / We were smoking funny things / Making love out by the lake to our favorite song … Singing ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ all summer long.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Here he is taking the attitude of good rock ‘n’ roll and turning it into something less provocative and less threatening than even The Jonas Brothers. ‘ ‘ ‘ He becomes a complete parody of himself, and the results are completely laughable ‘mdash; that is, if you don’t start crying first. ‘ ‘ ‘ With ‘All Summer Long,’ Kid Rock has made rock ‘n’ roll come full circle, from an edgy, new music form to a G-rated Disney channel-worthy rip-off full of cheesy nostalgia for a time when mainstream rock music was less terrible. And honestly, I’d rather watch ‘High School Musical’ on a loop for the rest of my life than listen to this song ever again. At least ‘High School Musical’ isn’t trying to be something more than it is. ‘ ‘ ‘ So, Kiddo, keep singing about drinking whiskey and fishing and sounding like an idiot. I’ll be praying for the soul of rock ‘n’ roll. ‘ ‘ ‘ Oh, and Bob Seger called. He said you suck, too.