April Fools’: Tax: Why not hoodies, sunglasses and DMB, too?

By Staff Report

In a move characterized by many Pitt students as being anywhere from “not cool” to “a total… In a move characterized by many Pitt students as being anywhere from “not cool” to “a total buzz kill,” the Allegheny County Council has passed three new taxes on hooded sweatshirts, big sunglasses and Dave Matthews, because of the Port Authority’s unimproved financial situation.

In addition to the controversial 10-percent tax on all poured alcoholic beverages in Allegheny County, passed last December, a 10-percent tax will be added to the normal retail value of all hoodies and sunglasses with lenses in excess of 10 inches in circumference.

All residents of Allegheny County will also need to report on their tax forms the number of songs by the Dave Matthews Band on their digital music playlists, so a 10-cent tax can be applied to each song.

An additional tax will be placed on any and all posters, T-shirts, concert tickets and other memorabilia representing the popular singer/songwriter’s group.

The H.B.S.D.M., or Hoodie, Big Sunglasses and Dave Matthews tax has been widely criticized on Pitt’s campus.

Steve Mastroni, a junior business major and hoodie-wearer has expressed outrage at the new tax.

“Yo, I love hoodies,” Mastroni said. “I wear them all the time. They’re so comfortable and perfect for throwing on right after I wake up and have to go to class.” “This sucks,” Mastroni added.

Mastroni, whose hoodie collection is repeatedly victimized by vomit damage, is forced to purchase several new hoodies a month. It is a serious drain on his bank account and a problem that the new tax will only make worse.

With spring in full bloom, many female Pitt students have begun to buy new sunglasses. According to sophomore Lexi Anne Richards, the B.S. clause of the H.B.S.D.M. tax will force female Pitt students to shell out extra cash if they want to look hot this spring.

“Sorry, what were we talking about again?” Richards said. The Dave Matthews tax will be especially hard on senior English major Brett Daniels, who listened to Dave Matthews before he was popular.

“I’ve got, like, everything Dave’s ever recorded,” Daniels said. “But you haven’t heard Dave until you’ve seen him in concert,” Daniel continued. “He’s touring this summer too, and with this new tax I’m going to have to pay beaucoup bucks to see him.” The Allegheny County Council has received criticism stating that the new taxes are unrepresentative of the population of Allegheny County and fall heaviest on college students. County Chief Executive Dan Onorato responded to such allegations as foolish.

“I think it’s completely ridiculous to say that the H.B.S.D.M. tax singles out the student population. I, for one, am 47 years old, and I listen to David Matthews every chance I get. Did you know he used to be a professional surfer?” Onorato said.